The Childless Mom

And the Betas Are...

2012-02-29T14:53:00.000-05:00

Apparently there has been too much Grammy & Oscar Awards buzz in my head because I just imagine the announcer making a big deal about announcing my Betas..

HCG Beta #1: Mon., Feb 20th (10dp5dt): 100.5
HCG Beta #2: Wed., Feb 22nd (12dp5dt): 248.8
HCG Beta #3: Fri., Feb 24th (14dp5dt): 645
HCG Beta #4: Tues., Feb 28th (18dp5dt): 2,745

The winner is....US! The music swells and the crowd goes wild! And of course, I look stunning!

Picked Up an Old Hobby!

2012-02-26T17:54:00.001-05:00

So from that 1pm 5dp5dt faint-2nd-line point on, I decided I was going to use all those pregnancy tests my staff smuggled into my office. In part, because I kept having to take them to prove to myself that that 2nd line, as faint as it was, was there. I was afraid and kept expecting it to disappear...and not in an evaporation line kind of way. So here's how I spent those few days till my first Beta blood test:

I even had a digital one in the batch, so I took it too. It helped ease the is-the-2nd-line-really-there worry I had:

2nd Line in the House

2012-02-25T10:55:00.000-05:00

On Wed, Feb 15th, I decided to work at home a little (as in, check my email & update my company's facebook page - really hard work) and take a half a sick day. My pulse was still high and I was still feeling shaky & nervous inside. I wondered if I overdid it yesterday at work with all that Valentine partying with 32 kiddos. Rather than risk it, I decided to stay home and catch up on mundane things like laundry and television. I felt weird taking sick time because I wasn't sick and in bed, but oh well. My laundry, and therefore my Hubby, thanked me.

Late morning, I got a phone call from my Doc's office letting me know that my Progesterone level came back at 25 and anything over 20 was good. I told the nurse I was still feeling funny and now I was running a 99.2 fever. Once she ruled out that I was not infected at the injection sites, she told me to go off of Metformin because they think my sugar is getting too low. That kind of shocked me because that's a drug you normally have to ween yourself on and off of, but OK. No more Metformin. I just hope my sugar doesn't go completely out of whack and I don't ~~blow up like a balloon~~ put on a few pounds!

At 1pm, I was upstairs doing laundry and I really had to pee. I thought that I might as well POAS, since I had so many. (At work, to give away through our Food Pantry and Clothing Bank, we got a huge shipment of pregnancy tests from a store because they used a razor blade to open the case and they sliced open all the individual pregnancy test packages. Things this store cannot sell because of damage, they give to us, which is pretty cool. In this instance, it was very useful! I bet we got 200 of them. And my staff, being awesome, each smuggled several into my office before this last round of IVF. So, I'm not kidding when I say I had at least a dozen tests). I figured it was worth a shot since I was now 5dp5dt with our one little frozen embryo. And this is what I got...

I had to actually put this test next to the one I took the night before just to make sure there really was a faint line there. Hubby, later, inverted the pic for me just to prove there was a line there.

Ladies, I think there's a 2nd line in the house!

V Day

2012-02-20T12:27:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, February 14th, I went back to work. It was Valentine's Day and I really didn't want to miss the Youth Center's Valentine Party. I love seeing them pass out their little Valentines. And then of course we sugar them up and send them home!

I noticed that I felt like my pulse was high again today. I felt a bit nervous and shaky, but still not as bad as Sunday. During a Finance Committee Meeting, my ears had a hot flash. Apparently the hormones are still hard at work!

That evening I took a home pregnancy test. I knew it was only 4dt5dt, which is still VERY early. But I thought if it was positive, it would be a really nice Valentine present for Hubby. It was negative, but I really wasn't disappointed since it was so early. Fingers still crossed!

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

2012-02-17T10:24:00.001-05:00

So, being in the 2-week-wait I am hopeful and looking for good signs anywhere I can. The first happened at acupuncture and the second happened at work. At any rate, I'll take any good signs at this point - real or not!

At acupuncture on Monday, Sarah, my acupuncturist, laughed when she put me on the table and said that she had a dream about me on Friday night after she had worked on me post-embryo-transfer. She said she had a dream that she could see my embryo burying itself in the lining. She laughed and said she knew it had to be me she was dreaming about because there was no one else she was working on that was trying to get pregnant and is sure as hell wasn't herself! I'll take it!

Then at work on Tuesday, my co-worker (and friend) came in my office. She and her family had been looking at houses to buy or rent because they had her mother move in with them. They already had a large family and another body means they just have to have more room or 1 or 2 children may die soon! The week before my embryo transfer, they found the perfect house - 5 bedrooms, several full baths, halfway between town and country, in the same school district that her kids attend, 35 acres of woods for her kids to play in, and well within her family's budget. She was salivating about this house. When she came into my office, she explained that she had been praying really hard for this house for a week, but on Friday, she prayed about our embryo baby instead. She said on Friday, she was driving into town and passed the house and prayed about it and then remembered to pray about our baby. She says she distinctly heard God asking her if the house or my baby was more important and she said the baby was way more important. Not 2 minutes later, the owner of the house called her cell phone and told her that they'd decided to rent that particular house to someone else, but they had another house in mind for her family. So, she's convinced that she gave up her house and that I'm pregnant because of it. Again, I'll take it!

Krissi at Stress Free Infertility featured my blog in a post on her blog a few weeks ago. Her next article was about how every blogger that she picked to feature in the past had ended up pregnant. She says she must have the magic touch. Feature my blog! Feature the heck out of it!!

Now, if only these signs meant something real, I'd be a happy camper!

"Make Pretty Babies" on 3dp5dt

2012-02-14T11:10:00.000-05:00

On Mon., Feb. 13th, I think I was a little stir crazy. I was 3dp transfer and I was so happy to be out of the house! I was feeling a bit better, but my pulse was still pretty high. I got up, got my shots, and went to the hospital for a Progesterone blood test. I have a giant bruise where they took my blood. Does this happen to everyone else, or am I just some sort of wimp whose body can't take a blood draw?

I came back home to rest before acupuncture later in the day and cramping set in. It was not a doube-me-over-and cry kinda cramping. It wasn't even really what I'd consider sharp like the other 2 rounds of IVF. I would describe it more as just a little nuisance pain. It was pretty consistent and would last for a while. Hubby told the embryo to snuggle in nice and deep. I hope it listens. I was also pretty hungry - as evidenced that I put on 5 pounds over the course of 2 days...

Later in the afternoon I went to acupuncture. She put the few needles in me, pointing out that this day she got to put the special "Make Pretty Babies" point in. I hope she got it really well! Acupuncture was relaxing, as evidenced by Hubby laughing at me when I jerked because I had fallen asleep. I told him to just continue sitting there reading his Kindle and minding his OWN business.

We went home and watched TV for the rest of the evening, with cramps on and off. I was tired of laying on the couch, but the day had worn me out. Hubby was a gem during the whole day, helping me in and out of the truck, making me lay down while he got me drinks and snacks. Right after midnight, he gave me my Valentine's Day present - another bead for my Pandora bracelet. I think I'll keep him...

Am I Running & Don't Know It?

2012-02-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

I went to bed on Sat., Feb. 11th (1dp5dt) feeling a little strange. I was a little lightheaded, but just put myself in bed and went to sleep. I figured I just needed to sleep through whatever was going on with me.

The next morning, I got up and didn't feel much better. I really felt very nervous & shaky - like if I don't get to eat all day. Also, my resting pulse was in the 90s, which is not normal for me. I really felt like I was running a marathon while just sitting on the couch. Hopefully I was losing a few pounds in the process...

Around 5pm, I called the emergency number for my Doc's office. I felt strange calling the emergency number because I'm not in major pain and I'm not bleeding or anything, but this just wasn't 't normal for me. I ended up getting the Doc that did my transfer on Friday on the phone. I told him what was going on and he said that either my sugar had gotten low since I am still taking my Metformin for PCOS & I had a sudden change in activity level with being on bedrest. He suggested getting some Gatorade to try to even things out. He also said that it could be a reaction to Progesterone, since I had changed one shot a day to a suppository. If I still felt bad at bedtime, he told me to hold off on the suppository. He said that if I didn't feel better, I need to call their office on Mon. morning.

Go Time!

2012-02-13T13:35:00.001-05:00

Friday, Feb. 10th was Go-Time! We left the house early in the morning to sign papers at the lab. We put our heads together and said a quick prayer before walking into the lab. Hubby ended by saying, "Please make this work." We knew that we had 3 embryos frozen that we were trying to use during this FET. We both caught our breath a little when the man at the lab said he thought we only had 1 to use that morning. ONLY ONE? My heart sank.

Next door I got on the table and the Doc came in with the report that only one embryo had made it through the thaw. I told the Doc that I was really disappointed that we only had one. He reassured me that the one embryo we had was still a Grade 1 Blastocyst and looks great. I asked which IVF Cycle it was from, but no one could answer because IVF #1 and IVF #2 embryos were frozen together.

The transfer of our one embryo went very smoothly and quickly. The Doc explained everything that he was doing and pointed everything out on the ultrasound screen. He told me that I was to lay on the table for at least 15 minutes - and if I stayed there more like 30, he wasn't going to shove me out. Right before he left my room, he grabbed my hand and said he really hoped it worked this time.

While I laid there, one of the IVF nurses came in and went over my medicine protocol with Hubby and me. After 35 minutes, I finally gave myself permission to get up, stop to see the acupuncturist, and then head home for bed-rest.

Oh Baby, It's On!

2012-02-10T09:51:00.000-05:00

Transfer is set for 10:35am TODAY! I have to have a full bladder because they want to do an ultrasound guided transfer. Luckily I didn't have to go through retrieval this time, so having a full bladder doesn't hurt!

We've instructed them to thaw all 3 embryos that we have frozen. Since the decision has kind of been made for us each time as far as how many to transfer, we figured we'd thaw all 3 and whatever we're left with is what we're supposed to use. Aren't you impressed with now non-stressed I'm trying to be?!?!

Baby Dancin' or Silliness: You Decide!

2012-02-10T00:14:00.000-05:00

I run an at-risk Youth Center for 32 kids and I love them dearly. Because we provide transportation for these kiddos to get to and from the Center, I pay a lot of attention to the weather. And let me tell ya, I LOVE snow days. A couple years ago, the kids and I made up a silly little dance and we do it anytime there is snow in the forecast. We call it our "Snow Dance." While it was just a fun little thing that first year, last year, we experienced a bit of a phenomenon. Every time we did a snow dance, we had at least 1 snow day. It got so bad that, on my Facebook wall, the parents began requesting that we stop doing snow dances. For whatever little magic reason, doing our snow dances worked.

So, I had a rather crazy idea that I would come up with a slightly new dance and told them it was the Grow Strong Dance. They think they're growing strong. I wasn't going to tell them I was having them dance for something else to grow strong.

So, this afternoon, we shook our right hand in the air. Then we shook our left. Then we shook both hands and clapped them together once really hard.

Then we put our hands on our bellies and shook our booties.

I apologize that the pictures are blurry, but their little bodies move quickly! They thought it was silly. Little did they know they were growing eggs in my right ovary, then my left ovary, then putting the sperm & egg together, putting them in my belly, and burrowing them in. There is a method to my madness. We did it several times to make sure we all knew how to do it perfectly. They loved it. I loved it. And hopefully, a little Snow Dance magic carried over to our Grow Strong Dance.

Sucker Punched

2012-02-09T10:38:00.000-05:00

So yesterday would have been my due date if IVF #1 had worked. I had meetings all day and dinner with friends last night. I was doing really OK. Like I said in a previous post, I've been really good about doing some things for myself this week like getting my nails done, going to a card-making class, and hanging out with friends.

Last night when we got home from dinner, I sat on an ice pack on the couch in preparation for my next PIO Shot. It numbs it so that it doesn't hurt so much, which is helpful when we're now doing 2 and 3 shots a day. While waiting for my hip to get numb, I had my laptop and was on several IF'ers blogs looking up crazy things that may help with implantation. I'm getting a little desperate and willing to try silly things...gotta buy a pineapple today... At this point, Hubby shows me an email that he just received that family members are pregnant with #4.

The timing of that could not have been worse. That one hurt.

I've Ruined Hubby

2012-02-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

Hubby is the voice of reason in our marriage. He's super smart. He's calm. He's serious. He's a lot more proper than I will ever be. He shakes his head at me when I burp or make jokes that are a tad over the line. He has the tendency to point out when I get excited about something and get too loud. However, on Sun., Feb. 5th at a baby shower I got proof that I've rubbed off on him...

We have been asked to be the Godparents of a friend's son that's going to be born in March. They threw a co-ed baby shower this past Sunday. We arrived to a houseful of people, ate, visited with friends, and sat down to watch the mom-to-be open gobs of presents.

The opening of little clothes just continued and continued. And honestly, they really were super cute. The Mom got so many clothes that she said maybe she was having 5 babies instead of just one. Without missing a beat, Hubby turned to me and said, "Maybe we could buy one. Afterall, having 5 is just selfish." I lost it. And yes, I laughed loudly!

Hubby, my Rev. Mr. Proper Hubby, made a joke about buying a baby. I think I've ruined him....

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

2012-02-07T23:32:00.000-05:00

Wed., Feb. 8th would have been my due date if IVF #1 had worked. I realized this the other day when I sat down to think about what the last year has held for us. We've been through SO much. Tests, surgeries, bloodwork, ultrasounds, retrievals, transfers....it's a lot.

Rather than focusing on what could've been ours at this point, I'm trying to hold out hope for this 3rd round to be successful. Everyone else around me seems to think this is "the time," but they also did the previous 2 times....oh well, at least I have supportive people around me. At some point, they have to be right, right?

I don't think that it's a complete coincidence that this week has been a week focused a lot on myself. I've taken the time to get my nails done (for the 1st time ever), go to a professional hockey game, have lunch with my co-workers, get acupuncture, and go to a card-making/scrapbooking class. I didn't plan it this way at all. Normally, I barely find the time to do any of those things ever...let alone all in the same week! I'm more of a workaholic. I work long hours, come home, and do housework or cook, and maybe find time to exercise a little before taking a bath and falling asleep before my head hits the pillow-only to wake up and do it all over again. Heck, it took me playing phone tag with the salon for 3 weeks just to get the nail appointment set up! I think God must've held his tongue in just the right position and divinely aligned the stars so all this stuff happened to work out perfectly in my schedule this week. I could get used to this!! It's helped get my mind off of the passing of a woulda-coulda-shoulda been due date and also my upcoming FET on Friday. I ought to be as stress free as I've ever been for those little embies to dig in and get cozy for a while!

Now if only I were laying on a beach with some white sand and a drink that required a little umbrella....

Thaw 'Em All

2012-02-07T09:07:00.001-05:00

We finally did make it to the Dr office on Tuesday, Jan 31st and I had my one and only internal ultrasound for this round of IVF. I felt like I was visiting an old friend. The screen showed that my lining was at 9. They wanted it at least 6.5, so we are good to go with the calendar as planned for transfer being on Fri., Feb. 10th. The Doc also said my ovaries were fairly small and "minding their own business," which is what they want at that point in time. I'd hope they're minding their own business. Nobody wants busy-body ovaries...

Since we had a minute with the Doc, I brought up the topic of thawing embryos. This has been a debated topic between Hubby and I the last few days. I distinctly remember during our last WTF appointment that the Doc said he'd thaw them all and use at least 2 if not all 3, if they make it through thaw. I stopped the Doc that saw me that day and asked her opinion. She advised that she'd thaw all 3 and see what we have to work with - which is where I was leaning, but Hubby is a little freaked out by the number 3. I think he's truly afraid of all 3 "taking." I am to the point where I don't feel that all of them would - given our stellar prior results. And I'm not terribly convinced that all 3 will even make it through thaw. I'm just trying to give myself the best chances of success for this round, since we have nothing left "in the freezer" and would have to start all over with a fresh cycle if this doesn't work. Ugh.

I am trying to not stress about the number to transfer this time. The past 2 times, I've wondered & worried about the number. And then both times, the decision was kind of already made for us. I am hoping that it's the same this time, so I'm trying to not worry about it too much until Friday. I think it's best to thaw 'em all and see what we have to work with.

When I got my clothes back on, the IVF Nurse gave me my bloodwork orders to have done here in town - they've done these here in town the last 2 rounds, so hopefully nothing will be terribly screwed up this time. Although with the way things have been going, I'm not holding my breath!

Birds & Bees Videos

2012-02-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

This video was suggested to me from a friend. Sounds like something I would've written. It's kind of like they filmed my life. And if it's like mine, it's probably like any other infertile. Enjoy!

Jane's Pregnant Again...

This next one could be about me & my peeing on a stick hobby...

As the next video reinforces, this is NOT about making love. It's about making babies.

And finally, the "scheduled encounters" we have all made...

Might as well laugh at this crazy thing, right?

#Ridiculousness

2012-02-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

I am not a very superstitious person. I walk on cracks and my mother's back is fine. I have walked under ladders and broken mirrors and life has not been too terribly devastating...minus a few rough years. However, I'm beginning to wonder if I need to get some garlic and a cross and walk around with it for a while...

I seem to be having problems - major problems - with even the small stuff this 3rd round of IVF. The first round was difficult because I was shooting up for the 1st time in my life and the 1st round tends to just be overwhelming with the drugs and calendars. The 2nd round was worse because I developed OHSS. This 3rd round, however, I've had problems since the start. I had to wait and wait till I finally did start. Then I had to go through 2 pharmacies and ~~18,000~~ 20 phone calls to even get them just in the nick of time. Then, my bloodwork was all screwy since the Dr told me I could have it done here in my town, which ended up not being true.

So, the latest trial is getting to the dr office. Yes, you read that right. I've been there at least 15 times. I know how to get there - I just had trouble with that on Tuesday. I had an appointment on January 31st at 8am for my ultrasound and calendar follow up appointment. Because we live about an hour away from the Doc, Hubby and I decided to leave the house at 6:30am to give ourselves plenty of time in case we hit traffic. As we sat on the Interstate, I tweeted, "Sitting behind accident #3 on I-70. #Ridiculousness." At 8:20, we strolled into the Doc's office. When the nurse asked how I was this morning, I told her I was here and that's as good as it's getting right now. She just cocked her head to the side and looked at me.

Now that I think about it, that little frustrated tweet is pretty indicative of this entire round of IVF: (Imagine me shouting this like the TV Infomercial guy Billy Mays.)

Period is late? #Ridiculousness!

Drugs on backorder? #Ridiculousness!

You don't do THAT blood test in house so no same-day results? #Ridiculousness!

3 accidents putting us at a stand-still on the Interstate 3 times in 1 trip? #Ridiculousness!

So, I have 2 thoughts: Either this Round #3 is putting us through hell because I'm going to get pregnant with twins and be done with IVF forever OR it's a downhill spiral that is preparing me for another disappointment, at which point I will throw a tantrum full of #Ridiculousness.

Either way, in my opinion, it's ALL #Ridiculousness!

Coming Out of the (Nursery) Closet

2012-01-30T22:56:00.001-05:00

Krissi at Stress Free Infertility writes a wonderful blog and has a book ready to come out (and has already won awards for it!). She featured my blog in her latest "blog love" post. I thought that was kind of cool. I frankly think anyone wanting to read my rants & ramblings is kinda cool. So I posted on Facebook, (because I am an addict), "An award-winning author featured my blog on her blog. How cool is that?!"
I had, as I figured, many friends that "liked" this post. However, I had not anticipated the protest from many friends for me to post my blog address. Oh geez. Hubby immediately said, "You're not going to post that, are you?" I told him there was no way. Let's face it, I've poured out a lot of my heart on here. It's my therapy and just maybe it will help someone else along this same windy, not quite beaten bath. But expose myself for the whole world ,or rather, my 1,500 friends on Facebook? That's another level for which I'm just not ready.

When I thought about what would happen if I did post the address for the world to see, I felt very naked...and not in a Marvin Gaye Let's-Get-It-On kinda way. Was it just that I don't want the world to know all my troubles? Maybe a little. Afterall, I do hate hand-on-the-forehead, woe is me, everybody pay attention to me kind of drama. But I know that there's more to it than that. I felt like it would expose this secret thing in my life. Was it shame? Was it embarrassment? Deep down, do I have a fear that I'm the one-of-these-things-that's-not-like-the-others? Possibly. If I'm honest, probably.

I, though, get a guilty conscience when I feel the need to keep the infertility part of my life hidden from the world. I'm very much a believer in being honest...hence some of my rather ~~blunt~~ forthcoming blog posts. I feel like hiding this stuff from the people that know me is doing some injustice to our infertility community. I'm continuing the trend of not wanting to talk about it and not wanting it to be such a public thing. I'm hiding it and not making an issue out of it. I'm not educating the general public that know me on something so near and dear to my heart. Am I betraying who I am? Am I leaving out a part of my identity?

So, I'm not ready to come out of the closet...that is, the nursery closet...yet. Many of my close friends and a lot of our family members know about our struggles. That's enough, at least for now.

Banned Facebook Statuses

2012-01-25T18:28:00.001-05:00

If you've read my blog, you know that I've said several times I'm a facebook addict. I love the thing. I use it for work, personal life, & a photography business that Hubby & I own together. I put up pics, comment on others posts & share my thoughts with friends....A LOT. I don't even mind the pregnancy announcements & pics that follow.

However, there have been several posts that have run through my devious little brain, but I have NOT shared on facebook. These are just things no one should ever share, at least not with the delicate fertile public. For your entertainment, I present my top 10 Facebook Statuses that I ban myself to ever post:

1. Stuck some progesterone up my hoo hah before I went to bed last night. Hope it doesn't fall out!
2. Well, it's Monday, so Hubby got up and stuck me in the a$$ first thing this morning. What a way to start the week!
3. Wow, seems like the more men I add to the process, the more it costs to get knocked up!
4. Hope I mixed my drugs correctly before I shot up this morning.
5. No, I cannot have a meeting with you today because A. I don't like you, & B. I'm full of hormones. NOT a good combination, for your sake.
6. Leaving the house to go get knocked-up. For most people, that's just a fun option.
7. My Doc costs more than a virgin hooker!
8. My drug dealer came through! Yay!
9. Hope the embryologist gets my ice babies all thawed & warm before putting them in me later today! No frost allowed at the equator!!
10. Can peeing on a stick be a hobby?

AND A BONUS:
11. When the Doc told me I'd be starting & ending my day with shots, this is NOT what I had in mind...

Better Late Than Never

2012-01-24T21:25:00.000-05:00

At 2:30pm on Friday, January 20th, my IVF Nurse called & said that my blood results were in. Hallelujah! They were looking for my estradiol level to be below 80 - Mine was 30! She made sure that I knew I had to come to their lab next Friday for my first blood draw after adding the Estradiol Valerate shots. They are looking for my E2 level to spike somewhere between 200 and 1000, which will help in building a thick lining in the uterus. Yes, make it nice and cozy for my ice babies! I have to go to the lab by their office (an hour away) because they have to have my results the same day in case any adjustments in dosages need to occur. Another disadvantage to living in a small town - blood labs can't do same-day results. :-(

So, I'm a "go" for adding Estradiol shots to my regimen on Monday, Jan 23rd! We are moving along.

I figured, this being Round #3 and all, that getting drugs & bloodwork would not be a difficult part of this process. Even these things are a challenge this time...

Dealer Came Through!

2012-01-23T22:37:00.000-05:00

On Thurs., Jan 19th, Hubby texted me when he got home from work. This (estradiol valerate & corresponding needles & syringes) arrived!

Can you believe that this little vial cost me $70???

Now if only my blood results would come back, I can start these injections on time on Mon., Jan 23rd!

Some Days I Just Shake My Head

2012-01-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

On Wed., Jan 28th, CD1 arrived & threw a wrench in the day I had planned. I called my Dr because he was going to order a blood draw to check my estradiol level the day I started. I left them my work fax in case they had any trouble sending it to the hospital. I was so happy that they were going to let me get my bloodwork done in town rather than driving an hour away to the lab they use.

I also called my acupuncturist who had me come in right away at 10:30AM. Normally I find acupuncture really relaxing. She puts the pins in and does this extra electrical current thing called "Relax & Balance" - it's amazing. But today, some jackA$$ doctor decided to stand outside the door & talk loudly on his cell phone about his recent skiing trip. I even coughed loudly a couple of times, thinking that'd get his attention & signal that someone was in the room, but no. Acupuncture ended & it was not the blissful experience I'd had the last few times.

My acupuncturist is in the same building as the blood lab, so I stopped by the registration desk to ask if any orders had been faxed in for me. I figured I might as well - I was already there. Why would I think it would be THAT easy? I still laugh at how naive I am. The lady at the desk told me that she didn't know anything & I'd have to wait to talk to an intake specialist. You mean to tell me you can't just look up my name on that handy dandy little thing in front of you called a computer? So I took a seat and waited until an intake specialist was open. I asked if any orders had been faxed in for me. She looked in her computer - what a novel idea! - and also on the fax machine, but had nothing.

On my way out to my car, my cell phone went nuts. I had 2 missed calls from my Dr's office. The voicemails were the IVF nurse explaining there was no answer on my work fax. I called them back with the lab's direct fax line, since I was already there and they were having trouble with my work fax. I waited about 30 minutes and didn't hear anything, so I left to grab a bite to eat. While I was eating, my cell phone rang again. It was my Dr's office, but they hung up. Then they called back. So I grabbed it an answered it, only to have the sound of a fax in my ear....

Apparently someone at my Doc's office is LEARNING to use the fax machine today....perhaps we should work on following directions next?

So after I finished my lunch, I was walking to my car and the Doc's office called me again stating that they'd sent the fax & had confirmation that it went through. Funny, I'm pretty sure you just tried to fax it to my cell phone, but whatever...

At 12:30pm, I went to the blood lab where I again had to wait my turn to talk to an intake specialist, who walked me through the registration process this time & sent me to the lab to get my blood drawn. Two women walked me back & I complimented one of them on her pretty Pandora bracelet. She scoffed and said that it wasn't Pandora and anyone that had a Pandora bracelet had more money than brains. At that point, I showed her my Pandora bracelet...Hey Jacka$$ #2 today: Open mouth, insert foot.

Then, the other girl put on gloves and began looking at both my arms. She told me she was a student & would be drawing my blood. Yes, I now have a giant bruise on my left arm...

At least it was done. Or so I thought...

I got a phone call from my IVF nurse at 4:30pm saying she'd called the blood lab and for some reason they don't perform this particular test in-house. The Doc expected test results the same day. Apparently, at my lab Estradiol tests have to be sent away and they would not have the results until Friday or Monday. If we didn't have the results by Monday morning, I was to hold off on my first shot of estradiol valerate. Ugh.

I called the lab myself just to see if I got the same story. At first, the woman on the phone told me that she didn't know who I was so she was not telling me any information. Now, aren't you just the cherry on top of this day?! I explained that I wasn't calling for my results - that I just wanted to know if in fact this test was not done in-house and when they would expect my results. Her tone changed and she said that was all true & they should have my results by Friday. That made me feel a little better, although I'm still a little unnerved that the blood draw order had STAT written all over it & no one bothered to tell me this was not a test that they could run in house...So now, since they've proven a little incompetent with the tests, I now have to drive to the blood lab by my Doc's office more than an hour away for the rest of my blood draws. I guess I'd rather have to drive and have it done correctly and on time.

Here's the kicker-when I finally got to work at 2PM that day, there was a fax with my blood draw orders in my mailbox from my Doc's office.

Some days I just shake my head.

My Cell Phone's Worn Out

2012-01-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

Tues., Jan 17th:

12:36pm Katie from BackOrderScript called to let me know that Estradiol Valerate is still on backorder and the manufacturer says it will not be in until March 1st. Not helpful.

12:53pm Call Mary from my insurance co who has always helped with drug problems in the past. She said she'd talk to the Pharmacy Dept and get back with me. Do your magic, Mary!

1:20pm Mary left me a message that if the manufacturer says it's on backorder, there's nothing they can do. If I can find it someplace else, I do not need an override, just go ahead and get it. Gee, thanks!

1:43pm Called Barron Pharmacy, the alternative pharmacy I had to use during IVF Round #1 when BackOrderScrip couldn't come through then. The man said they did have several vials of it in stock. I told him I'd have my dr office get in touch.

1:47pm I called my Dr's Med Specialist, Dawn. I left Dawn a message that I needed to speak with her about submitting my order somplace else because BackOrderScrip once again dropped the ball.

2:03pm Dawn calls me back. I explain what's happened. She says she will also make sure Barron has the drug and if they do and it's not outrageously expensive, she'd get it for me. I told her I was sorry I have to be the one with an insurance company that only complicates matters. She told me not to apologize, that she's used to dealing with insurance and she'd get it all straightened out for me.

2:10pm A representative from Barron Pharmacy calls to get my insurance info updated since it's been since last March/April since I've had anything filled by them.

2:20pm Another representative from Barron calls to confirm the drug that's needed and to make sure that I have all the needles and syringes ordered that I need as well.

2:52pm A 3rd representative from Barron calls to get my credit card info and confirm my shipping address. She told me the Estradiol Valerate would be here within a day or 2.

4:05pm A 4th representative from Barron calls to get my email address so I can have access to shipping information for my package from UPS.

We'll see if I truly get my meds on time...

Let's Hypothetically Say I Make Guns

2012-01-10T22:03:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, January 4th, I got another call from my specialty pharmacy. This time, sweet little Katie (Can you hear my voice dripping with sarcasm?) informed me that all of my drugs except estradiol valerate (EV) ought to be arriving that day. They did...

The EV, on the other hand, was on backorder and Katie so lovingly informed me that the manufacturer had no idea when they'd begin shipping it again. Ought the manufacturer know this kind of thing? I mean, let's hypothetically say I make guns...to shoot people...who can't fill drug orders. I ought to know the next time I'm making a gun...

Shockingly, I didn't scream. Actually this time, I almost laughed. I knew that a drug order going through with no major problems was really too much to ask from this company that I refer to as BackOrderScrip. I let Katie know that I take the first shot of it on Monday, January 23rd in the morning. She said she'd make note that it would need to arrive by Friday, January 20th and she'd keep an eye out for the drug. I asked Katie if I would hear from her or how I would know how to proceed. She assured me that she'd let me know one way or another about the drug because she's the one that handles all the drugs on back order for them. Damn straight you will let me know...you know...so I can quit waxing my hypothetical shotgun...

I figured I'd give them a few days to see if they could get it in before ~~screaming~~ losing my cool with them on the phone AGAIN.

Fast-forward to today (Jan. 10): I still haven't heard from Katie or anyone else from BackOrderScrip about the missing estradiol valerate. I will be calling sweet little Katie tomorrow. Just like Lucy on Charlie Brown...when she goes into her booth and turns the sign around...the crazy lady is in.

As I've said many times before. I didn't go into this process neurotic, demanding, and emotional, but the process sure makes me this way.

I Knew Drugs Weren't That Easy to Get!

2012-01-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, January 3rd, I got a phone call from the specialty pharmacy. The woman on the phone said that she wanted to schedule delivery of my drugs. Didn't we already do that once? I told her that I had already spoken to someone the day before who had done that. She said that person didn't have the authority to do that because all the meds were not run through the insurance division yet. And that's MY problem HOW?

She went on the explain that the progesterone suppositories are compounds that have to be made up by a pharmacist, and because it's a drug they have to make, they have to find out all the ingredients and then bill me accordingly. She said she was going to put their pharmacist on alert to make up the suppositories and hopefully the drugs would ship by the next day (Wed., Jan 4th). I wouldn't think getting something to just put in my hoo-hah is this difficult, but if you say so....

So I OK'd it and hung up. By this time I wasn't convinced that this 3rd round of IVF was going to be any different than the other times. I wasn't holding my breath about the drugs being right or getting here on time....

I should've known there'd be another phone call yet...

Getting Drugs Cannot Be That Easy!

2012-01-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

On Monday, January 2 at noon, I called the pharmacy to see if they'd processed my paperwork so I could pay for my drugs and schedule delivery. It wasn't like I needed the drugs anytime soon or anything...The woman who answered the phone transferred me to the insurance department. I waited for 20 minutes on the phone and no one answered. So, I hung up and called back. The same woman answered the phone and I told her that I'd been on hold for 20 minutes since she transferred me. She apologized and then pulled up my info. Now why couldn't she have just done that to begin with??? She said that all but one of my drugs were run and the one just needed pre-approval, which should not be a problem. She asked me if I wanted to pay with the credit card I had on file with them and I told her yes. She told me that the drugs ought to ship out Wednesday and I'd have them on Thursday.

And so I hung up the phone happy that wasn't too much of a mess.

Haven't I learned by now that it's just not that easy?

Getting Drugs Should Not Be This Difficult!

2012-01-04T20:24:00.000-05:00

Let me bring you up to speed: I have to use this certain pharmacy per my insurance company. They have a history of not being able to find my prescription for about a week after it's actually faxed to them....which leads to cutting it close when it's time to take my meds. More often than not, they are on backorder. One time, they had to have a courier bring me my meds less than 12 hours before I was supposed to take the 1st shot. Long story short, I don't have much faith in them.

Fast-forward to IVF#3: Doc faxed orders to them on Dec. 23rd. I have a copy of the fax confirmation. I called the pharmacy on Dec. 29th because I hadn't heard from them. They said I wasn't in the system at all and then, after digging, said they'd received the fax that day. LIE! No co-pays had been run and they could not schedule delivery yet. I asked, not entirely nicely, if they were going to have my Lupron on backorder like the previous 2 times. Then the woman gave me some ~~crap~~ story about being the end of the year and having many orders to fill and she couldn't say whether it'd be in stock when the insurance division ran my co-pays.

And that's when my brains oozed out my ears...Just don't even talk if you can't be helpful!

I asked her to get the paperwork to whatever division needs it - that I had to have the Lupron by Jan 6th - and that's all there is to it. She told me that she'd forward it on and I should call back on January 2nd in the afternoon.

Funniest Christmas Letter I'll Never Send

2012-01-01T17:48:00.001-05:00

I must say that 2011 has been an interesting year for Hubby and me. It was mostly taken up with IVF stuff. I'm not sure that I'm totally happy about that. I sat down the other day to write a Christmas letter to family and friends and realized that either:
1. I could not put most of our year in it because we are not sharing IVF info with them
or
2. The rest of the year was really boring and not worth writing about.

How sad is that?

So, here is what my truthful letter would've said to all our dear friends and relatives that I won't be sending out:

Dear Friends,

In January, Hubby went back to consulting for a local bank and also began Seminary. He hated the bank the 1st time he worked there, so I'm not sure why he's going back, however it pays well, so I'm not complaining till he turns into a jerk that is unbearable to live with again. We had to have several nurses travel to our home to draw blood to see if Hubby's genes and chromosomes were OK. I do have to admit, I did sorta look at him funny for those couple of weeks when we were waiting on the test results. Later, we got the go-ahead to pursue IVF-ICSI because Hubby's CAVD diagnosis was chalked up to "just a fluke." Isn't that nice? Thousands of dollars spent finding out that Hubby missing a couple little tubes in his body was just some oversight from the man upstairs?!

In March, Hubby has his MESA surgery and I sent out the infamous, "WE HAVE SPERM" texts to our friends. Yes, I did that. And I'd do it again. These small little things found in Hubby's nether-regions were the biggest highlight of my year, thank you very much. We have 9 tubes of it frozen. He healed like a champ without too much complaining. I must admit that washing around the stitches on his testicles were NOT the highlight of my year... This month, our old house also got robbed again. This time, since there were no more of our personal items to steal, they began stealing the actual house. Doors, mantels, and other woodworking have now been stripped from the house. I asked our insurance agent if I burnt it down and didn't turn it in for insurance if I would still go to jail for insurance fraud. She said no, but that I'd still go to jail for arson. Something to ponder...

In April & May, we went through our first IVF-ICSI attempt. I was giddy with hope and excitement. I was elated to receive the calendar that laid out all of the pills and shots that I was going to have to take. Happiness was soon turned to confusion and disgust at the amount of money and stress that a round of IVF takes. I tested young and healthy internally. I responded well to the stimulants. They got 10 eggs from me and I looked forward to the Embryologist's call each day updating me on how many were growing. We transferred 2 Grade 1 Blastocycts on Day 5. We also froze 1 for future use. I pondered every single cramp and pinch for the next 2 weeks. We received our BFN in June. I cried at work and at home. I made a fool of myself several times in public. The Doc had no answer as to why it didn't work. It just didn't. I had thought that maybe we were owed something happy at this point. Apparently this wasn't it.

Soon after, in June, Hubby and I went to a state-wide church conference at a little resort up north. It was nice to get away, sit at the lake, eat ice cream, and not be surrounded by sadness. It was just what I needed. I spent the summer busy at work with the Youth Program that I run. My boss "resigned" in July and the leadership at work has been less that great since then. I've come home mad, crying, or yelling on any given evening. The Board President is an older woman who has nothing better to do with her time and she has stepped in to do his day-to-day duties until a replacement can be found. She is sometimes nice, but has no clue what she's doing. She walks all over me, treats the staff pretty poorly, and handles criticism like a 2-year-old. She just has no business being a leader of an organization.

In September, I didn't have a good feeling about IVF-ICSI Round #2 and my gut was right. I had read so many other blogs that stated their round 2 didn't work, but their Round #3 did. I felt like I just needed to get through this round. Retrieval was very painful this time. Healing took longer because I developed Ovarian Hyper Stimulation. We transferred 2 Grade 1 Blasts in September on Day 5 and froze another 2. In October, my period came a few days early and that's how I knew we had a BFN this 2nd round, too. In a nutshell, Round #2 was God-awful. I'm glad that b!+ch is over with. At work, the Board decided to advertise for a new Executive Director. They'd take apps through 2011 and begin the interview process in early 2012. I knew I had lots of vacation in December and I'd dust off my resume when I had some real time to work on it.

In October, Hubby was deemed a "Locally Licensed Pastor" and so now he is Rev. Hubby. I think that's funny.

In November, I prayed that I needed some clarity about whether it was time to leave my job or hang on for the Exec Dir position. That same day, at a Board Meeting, I was excused while they went into Executive Session. When I came back, they had voted unanimously to approve what was talked about in the Executive Session. Later in the meeting, they decided to tell me that they had approved the older woman who was the Board President and was filling in as the Executive Director as the Interim Director for "at least a year." I went home very upset from this meeting and then realized, "Hey dumbass, you asked for clarity." At that point, God didn't gently nudge me about my future. He hit me in the face with a brick. I guess I'm leaving. I just have to figure out what my next steps are. Hubby's convinced that I should get my Ph.D. in Child Clinical Psych. My undergrad is in child psych. I love working with children on IEPs and learning plans. I've diagnosed several of our friends' and family members' kids before the Doc did. I've helped families help their children with things ranging from OCD, Asperger's, Autism, and PDD. I love the stuff. I'm getting excited just writing about it. I suppose Rev. Hubby is right. I just have to figure out when, where and how we'll pay for it.

We also had our WTF appointment with my Doc in Nov. and he has no answers as to why IVF didn't work the 2nd time. Blasts form and fail to implant all the time in the real world and people don't even know it. We just happened to know that they were there. Is this where the saying, "Ignorance is bliss" applies? We agreed that the next step is to try a Frozen Cycle with our Babies on Ice. And no, that's not an ice skating show. Although I could arrange it if it would help pay for our next round....

In December, I had pretty much given up trying to play nice with our new Interim Director at work. If she wants to be in charge, she's going to have to act like it. I went at her with several complaints and at one point, I called Hubby saying that if I'd talked to any other person who was my boss that way, I'd probably be fired. I know that's bad, but my give-a-damn is broken. Late in December, I began birth control pills for this Round #3 of IVF and visited an acupuncturist. I'm still not convinced acupuncture works, but am willing to do anything to help the odds this time around. I received my calendar for IVF #3, FET #1, as well. My behind already hurts from looking at the schedule of IM shots that is required this time. I am cautiously optimistic at this point, probably naively so.

As for 2012, friends, I pray that my butt and to-do list grow smaller, that my family and wallet grow bigger, and that much happiness finds us all.

Love,
The Childless Mom

IVF #3 Calendar

2011-12-30T22:13:00.000-05:00

I had my IVF #3 calendar review with the IVF nurse today at 2pm via the phone. Click HERE to see it. I was so happy she didn't make me travel an hour to their office just to go over it. It would be different if I'd never done IVF with them before or didn't know how to give myself shots, but I've become an "old pro" at it, and they just did this appointment by phone.

This is my first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Our first 2 IVF tries were from fresh cycles, but this time we are using embryos frozen from those previous cycles. A friend pointed out the other day that I could have twins that were not conceived during the same cycle. Never thought about it that way....

After looking at the calendar, all I can say is that my hip/bottom is going to be SO SORE from all the intramuscular shots this time. Ugh....

3rd time's a charm, right???

Tell Me About Yourself Award

2011-12-30T19:25:00.000-05:00

My blogger friend JJ nominated me for the Tell Me About Yourself Award. I think this is a fun way to learn more about my fellow bloggers. I read about your struggles with IVF everyday and I enjoy finding out about life outside of the crap we deal with. Just like all the other awards, there are certain rules that apply in receiving this award:

Thank the person who passed the award on to you. Thanks again JJ at A Journey of Emotions!
List 7 things that people may not know about you.
Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well. Feel free to ignore my nomination if you received it from someone else :) Please see my previous post about the Liebster Award. These bloggers are amazing and you should follow them! No need for me to list them again here.

7 Things About Me You May Not Know:

1. I have a horrible sweet tooth - especially chocolate and cookies. Which is only made worse by PCOS...
2. I'm a cat person. I didn't know I was until we got a dog several years ago. She's cute when she sleeps...
3. I am a pastor's wife. I don't act the part and neither does Hubby. We're not sure if it's more astounding that he's a pastor or that I'm a pastor's wife. They broke the mold in either case...
4. I collect scrapbooking and card-making supplies. I say "collect" because I don't usually have time to actually do things with them. I just collect them and look at them and dream of all the cool projects I should be doing with them...
5. I love humor. With all the crap that has happened to us over the last year (house robbed, car totaled, small business failed, job changes, diagnosis of CAVD & PCOS, 2 failed IVFs) humor is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. It's either laugh or cry and I've done enough crying.
6. I feel pretty blessed. I live in the house that I have loved since I was 9 years old. It's required a total gut & re-do, but it's beautiful. I have the car I have dreamed about since I was 16. Her name is Sophie and she's a BMW Z3 Roadster. She's beautiful as well. I have a wonderful Hubby and he's also beautiful! haha
7. Right now I'm thinking about going back to school to get a Ph.D. in Clinical Child Psychology. I'm looking for some signs to tell me this is where I need to go. I got confirmation that I need to move on. I just need to figure out the next step.
(8. You get a bonus! Aren't you lucky?!) I am a Facebook Addict. I use it for work to promote fundraising events and I put up funny stuff the kids say & do at my Youth Center. I use it to stay in touch with friends and family across the world. I put up pics of our life. I've even put out a request (& received it) for a donation of a hand-me-down microwave because ours died. I love facebook and love others who use it as much as I do. I know that many of the IF blogging friends I have hate it when someone posts about their pregnancy on facebook. However, I don't. And I do plan on posting throughout the entire dang thing, if it ever happens. I post about everything else in my life and the pregnancy thing has been a long time in the making. WHEN it happens, it'll all be on there. (Except naked preggo pics. That's just weird. I don't do naked pics now. No way I'd do them when I'm ginormous.)

Liebster Award

2011-12-29T09:06:00.005-05:00

My fellow blogger friend, Browning2222 nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award. Please check out her blog, I Think It Is Time, if you haven't already. Her story is very similar to mine and after failed fresh and natural cycles, is pregnant with triplets from a frozen cycle!

Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved." It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement. So, this award is to share with those blogs that you love to love... you know... the ones that you can't wait to see a new post from because somehow, some way, the blogger seems to always put words to things in a way that really hits home.

There are rules for receiving the Liebster Award:

Thank the giver & link back to the blogger who gave it to you. Thanks again, Browning2222!
Reveal your top 5 picks & let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. OK, I chose 9. And please just ignore this if you've already received it!
Copy & paste the award on your blog.
Hope that people you've sent the award to forward it to their top 5 favorite bloggers & keep it going!

Now the hard part. I have to pick the top five favorite blogs that I follow.   Here is my list, even though I know there are many more of you who should be on here, too. In no order:

1. Lost In Translation has a blog called We Way IVF, They Say FIV. She is currently pregnant and has given me hope that I can have a BFP someday, too.

2. ADSchill has shared her emotional journey of recently losing twins on her blog MissConception. Our IF community needs to pour out all the love we can on her.

3. Mommy-In-Waiting has her blog, Waiting on Our Miracle. She has shared her experience with PCOS.

4. A Miracle 4 Us has a blog by the same name. She just received a BFP after failed IUI's, fresh cycles, and lots of heartache.

5. I just found Erin's blog the other day after she posted on mine. Her blog, Never Surrender, started as a weight loss blog, but has turned into her own IF therapy. Right now I'm the ONLY one following her blog, which is astounding. She's real and honest. She just poured out her heart about losing a child on her blog and needs our support.

6. Kelli at Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers is sharing her experience of adoption.

7. Marianne at My Violet Thoughts just had a beautiful baby after many years of trying to conceive.

8. Lissie at Lissie's Luck is enjoying being pregnant.

9. Brave IVF Girl is as sassy as me and I look forward to her point-of-view on her blog, Braving IVF.

10. Sara at Empty Whole blogs about accepting infertility and IVF. She's made a New Year's Resolution to blog more often and I'm looking forward to it!

11. Laura at Wishing & Hoping & Dreaming & Praying for a Baby is making her way through finding out why, after TTC for several months, she has had no luck. She only has TWO followers, which is surprising for how honest and open she is on her blog.

12. Amber at Somewhere Only We Know lost a child almost 2 years ago and has a heart that is still hurting for that little child. Her posts are raw and real.

13. GlitterandRainbows1 at Glitter & Rainbows is hoping for a Christmas IUI Miracle. I soooo hope that she has good news to share with us all soon!

Christmas Update

2011-12-27T21:31:00.000-05:00

I am looking overdue on updating this. You all can scold me - I deserve it!

In November, CD1 didn't happen until Nov 13th (a week late). I have read OHSS can cause a woman to be late for at least 2 cycles following OHSS. I had a 2nd acupuncture appointment when I finally started. Work had been ~~hell~~ difficult that afternoon and I arrived very stressed out. She said she was putting the pins in that day in a way that was supposed to clean out my body. This time there was 1 in the middle of my forehead, 3 on my abdomen, and 4 down each leg and onto my foot. Then she put a heat lamp on my belly and another on my feet, turned on some soothing music, turned the lights down and left the room. What a small gift from God! I don't think I fell asleep, but I came pretty darned close!

I paid our deposit at the beginning of December. Because we are doing a frozen cycle, it's cheaper. Also, there are many tests I don't have to have done because we've just done 2 cycles. Plus, we had money left in our account with the Doc from the first 2 IVF's, so it was even cheaper than I anticipated! Clearance babies? I'll take 'em!"

In December, CD1 happened on Dec. 23rd (another week+ late). I think my bod is confused...it doesn't know whether to start, look for a shot, or grow multiple eggs for another egg hunt! My periods have been a bit more painful the last 2 months as well. I suppose it has the right to file these complaints with me. I have demanded a lot from it lately!

I called my Dr on CD1 and began taking birth control pills in CD3. Merry Christmas! You wanna have a baby? Here, have some bcp's! I got a call from the IVF nurse today saying she'd send out my calendar and we'd go over it via phone on Friday at 2pm. I love that they let me do things over the phone rather than driving 65 miles to their office when I don't have to! She said I will start my 1st Lupron shot on Jan. 6th. Bring on the hot flashes!. I'll need to call the acupuncturist as well.

On another subject, I am thinking of a career move. Leadership changed at my job in July and I have not been happy about it. It was supposed to be a temporary change, but has become a more permanent thing. More on that tomorrow.

No Show

2011-11-12T11:05:00.000-05:00

Well, it is Saturday, Nov. 12th. My CD1 is usually the 6th of the month. I still haven't started yet. I think after 2 rounds of IVF, my body doesn't know up from down. Poor thing...it's so confused!

And no, I'm not pregnant. I even took a test in case some sort of 2nd coming had occurred. ;-)

On a positive note, I've lost 8 pounds since IVF. I don't feel like I can take much credit for this. That medicine makes me super hungry. Once I get off of it, I don't feel like I could eat a house anymore!

I am due back to the acupuncturist soon. I'm not sure what she'll do to me since I'm so late.

And We Wait...

2011-11-05T21:19:00.000-04:00

On Wed., Nov 2nd, Hubby and I made the trip to my Doc's office to talk about our last IVF cycle and to discuss future plans. Many of my fellow bloggers call this the WTF Appointment and this is actually pretty accurate!

Our Doc greeted us, shook our hands very sadly, and we all sat down in his office. He simply looked down at my charts and shook his head for a minute. He said he was baffled. He had thought IVF #1 was going to work and just knew that this IVF #2 was going to work. I responded well to meds, my bloodwork looked great, we used 2 great looking embryos again this time, and I did everything that I was supposed to do. He said that he was completely shocked it didn't work this time. I'm glad I'm not the only one...

He immediately dove into what could've gone wrong. He said that there is a possibility that there might be something wrong with my lining - that it was thick enough - but perhaps there was something else wrong with it. He said the only way to tell is to do an endometrial biopsy. The problem with that is that you cannot do one on the cycle you're using. So, you'll never be able to tell for sure. He didn't think there are enough signs to warrant this anyways.

I asked if dealing with OHSS would have caused problems with implantation and he didn't think so. I told him that it sucked and further, this whole round sucked, from more meds, a very painful retrieval where I felt everything, and OHSS. He said that he could give me more pain meds and apologized for hurting me.

He went on to say that since we have 3 embryos frozen, we should try a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). He said they'd have me take birth control pills for 3 weeks just like the fresh cycles. Then, I'd go on Lupron to shut everything down. He said I'd have to travel to his office once for an ultrasound to make sure everything was quiet and my lining was "pretty" - not the first time he's described it this way. Then I'd take some estrogen and I'd have the transfer. In all, it would be about a 7-week process from CD 1.

He said he'd recommend thawing all 3 embryos to evaluate for use. He'd probably recommend using 2 if all make it through thaw and re-freezing the 3rd. He said if we wanted to use all 3, he wouldn't fight us too hard on it. In my mind,I thought I'd like to use all 3 and then quickly told myself not to worry about it. The last 2 times I have fretted and stewed about how many to use and the answer has been easily handed to us both times. He said it'd be an easier process on my body with no retrieval or OHSS. He said it'd also be much cheaper than a fresh cycle. Given that I'm out of allowable expenditures for drugs for the rest of 2011, that's good news.

He also mentioned that when I start the next IVF cycle that I should take a baby aspirin daily. He said that they used to do this all the time with patients, but stopped because there is no definitive data that says this helps. Hubby asked him about acupuncture and he said that if we can afford it, we should go ahead -it can't hurt and may help.

Then he asked me how I'm sleeping and if I'm experiencing sadness. I told him I'm probably not sleeping enough, but that's just because I'm busy and go to bed too late and get up too early. I told him I'm not overly sad - that it really hits me hardest when I see someone I haven't seen in a long time and they ask if we have any good news about IVF. Other than that, I think I'm ok. He said that's normal and just wanted to make sure I wasn't suffering from any depression symptoms.

On the way out, he had us stop at his Nurse's office where he gave her instructions to make note that we are going to do an FET. My CD 1 should be sometime around Nov 6th (tomorrow, my b-day). Counting 7 weeks from then would get us right in the heart of their Christmas break. So that's a no-go. :-( I could have a giant 2-year-old meltdown about how their vacation should no make me wait another month after we've already waited for so long - but where would that get me? So, I have to call on CD 1 in December and transfer would be in mid-January. This part made me sad. Another birthday, Christmas, and New Year's with no good news about a little one to share with family and friends. But I guess it is what it is, and so we wait...

In all, it was really a visit that I could've scripted before I went, except for the waiting part. I was pleased at my Doc's response - he's as baffled as we are and wants to make sure we're ok. He's getting us to do an FET as quickly as he can. He's a good Doc, for sure.

On the Table with My Clothes On!

2011-11-01T23:58:00.000-04:00

So at 4pm today, I visited my hospital's complementary medicine unit to receive my first treatment of acupuncture. Now, let me say that I'm still not 100% sold that this is the key to getting knocked up. However, I am desperate and willing to try it if there's even a slight chance that it helps. I was nervous that it would hurt, too.

When I arrived, I had to pay the $75 fee, fill out a 4-page form about my health history, and was then led to a room down the hall. Sara, the acupuncturist, who I know outside of the hospital, came in and began asking me questions. She made some notes as we talked and reaffirmed that there are certain things that have to be done on certain days during the IVF cycle. She mentioned that she may be going out of town this month, but has other acupuncturists on "back-up" in case I need something done while she's gone. Sara reaffirmed that this visit was merely to strengthen my body and lessen PCOS symptoms to prepare me for the next round of IVF. Hubby asked some questions about how the acupuncture is supposed to help and she went into some info about the kidney being the center of fertility and the liver having something to do with it, so they both are stimulated in Chinese medicine and I have to be honest - my eyes kinda glassed over for a minute. Hubby said he was with her till she started talking about "chi." Please give us the benefit of the doubt: We are willing to try new things, even if we don't understand it all!

She had me slip off my jeans so she was able to get to a spot above my knee. She ought to know that us infertiles are used to taking off our clothes and getting on a table by now... I put a sheet over my middle and she began. I didn't even have to take off my undies for her - just my pants, shoes, and socks! She wiped a cold fluid on me before putting in each pin. I'm pretty sure this was alcohol. She began with one pin in between my eyebrows. Then she went to my abdomen where she put four more pins: (Towards the right is my head, left is my feet. This pic is just below my belly button. If any of you make any comments about my very white belly, we are no longer friends. Got it?)

Next, she put a pin in each of my hands and then she tagged me down each leg and onto my feet: (Again, no comments about how white and/or dry my legs are or we are no longer friends. Got it?)

When she was done inserting all 19 pins, she put a heat lamp over my tummy and another over my feet. She made sure I was comfortable and left the room for about 20 minutes. The music was soothing and the lights were low. I was warm from the heat lamps. I was all calm and then I hear the clicking of Hubby's video game on his phone. It made me giggle. It was a relaxing way to spend a few minutes in a busy day. I will give it that.

After the 20 minutes, she came in and quickly removed the pins. I noticed a couple smears of blood on my legs where a couple of the pins were. I honestly didn't feel anything but a slight prick when she inserted them all. Before leaving, she suggested a website for me to visit if I'd be interested in some dietary suggestions for PCOS and infertility treatments that are meant to be paired with acupuncture. (I need to check it out. If it's worth sharing, I will.)

I'm to call her when I have a firm calendar from my Doc. She said my next appointment will be within a few days of starting the next IVF cycle. And now we just have to wait to see what the Dr. Larry King says tomorrow.

No Boo This Year

2011-11-01T10:27:00.000-04:00

This is my 100th post! I hope everyone had a happy Halloween!

Each year, my church gives out hot dogs and candy for Halloween. We figure giving a little something to eat on the night everyone hurries to get homework done, get on a costume, and make the rounds collecting candy is a good thing to do. We gave out 750 hot dogs last night! I always enjoy seeing all the kids (sometimes parents too) in costume having a good time. Our friends who go to church with us stopped by to help with Halloweenie set up and then left to take their little girl trick-or-treating. That made me a little sad. I wish we had a little one or two to take out on this fun night. I remember Mom helping me get a costume ready for the big venture and having to negotiate with Dad about how many pieces of my candy he was allowed to have when I was little. This is one of those holidays that makes me feel left out now. Perhaps someday we will have a little pumpkin or lion to take trick-or-treating. I'd even dress up, too!

I am anxious about my first acupuncture appointment later today. I hope it doesn't hurt! It cant be as bad as those awful IM shots in the hip...can it? I think Hubby is going with me to see what it's all about. And perhaps a little moral support as well.

Progress

2011-10-30T16:35:00.000-04:00

I called my Dr office Monday afternoon. I told them that I hadn't heard from the since the nurse sent me to get my beta done a day early (waited a second or two for a response, an excuse, but nothing) and that hubby and I would like to find out about next steps with FET. We made an appointment for Wed., Nov 2nd to talk to the Dr. That's right before my next cycle starts, so hopefully we can have FET done in Nov because ~~I'm impatient~~ I know Hubby and I would like to try once more before the end of 2011.

The acupuncturist also called me back. She started the conversation with, "So you want to get pregnant, huh?" The receptionist that I talked to last week must've written down why I was calling. I explained that we have had 2 failed IVF cycles and are looking at doing an FET in Nov. I hoped to know more after my Nov. 2nd appointment. She said that she has a schedule she follows and there are certain days that she does certain things in the cycle. She wants to go ahead and get me in once before we start another IVF cycle to strengthen my body. So I scheduled an appointment with her for Tuesday afternoon. What the heck...it can't hurt, right?

Devious

2011-10-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I were being silly last night. I suggested we get T-Shirts made that say, "I went through IVF and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt."

He laughed and said we should wear them to our follow up appointment next week.

After gaining my composure, I said that we couldn't do that to those poor people in the waiting room.

He said that we are those poor people in the waiting room.

I wonder how long it takes to get T-Shirts printed.... ;-)

Photo Shoot

2011-10-24T14:11:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I have owned our own photography business for three years. Just recently, word has spread and our calendar has gotten busy. We're still not as busy as some of our ~~awful~~ competitors, but we're certainly getting there.

On Sunday, Oct. 23rd, the afternoon was beautiful! The leaves were bright colors, the sun was out, and we had a family shoot at a farm. There were a set of grandparents, two grown boys with wives and grandchildren in high school - 11 people in all. Shooting them was fun as we went all over their farm capturing them with the beautiful backgrounds. We asked if there were any other combos of family members that they'd like us to shoot and they said they may have us come back sometime to shoot just the grandparents. I suggested that we go ahead and do it while we were there. The grandpa is not in great health and I've learned from my own father's passing that you take the opportunity when you have it for things like this or one day it'll be too late and the opportunity will be gone. We went inside their home, set up the backdrops, and got a few sweet shots of the older couple holding hands as they explained how they'd been together 54 years. Wow! To have such life full of family blessings. But what really got me was, as we were packing up, I saw the dining room table set for 11 people in the next room. We thanked them for their business and said we'd leave so they can eat dinner. The grandma said that they were in no hurry - that all 11 get together for family dinner every Sunday evening.

I want that.

I wanted that for my Dad, who is now gone. I want that for my Mom, who will be 70 in a few months. I want that for Hubby, who said he wanted to have lots of children with me that September day 14 years ago when he proposed. I want that for me.

Small Town Phone Calls

2011-10-23T18:37:00.000-04:00

I've not really been convinced one way or another about acupuncture or deep tissue massage helping with implantation. (If you are confused, see my last post.). For every study or story that says it helps, there are just as many saying it does not. I can see it having value for relaxation, but I can get that from the jacuzzi tub I've already paid for that's in my own bathroom. Nevertheless, I have a call into the only acupuncturist in town. She's only in certain days of the week, so I ought to hear from her on Monday afternoon. I asked specifically if she does acupuncture for fertility and was told that she does. Then I asked who performs the acupuncture. When I found out who the acupuncturist is, I laughed. Of course, the woman knows me. Guess the cat will have to be out of the bag soon.

I have several recommendations for massage, but I need to do some follow up as far as pricing and specialties.

I, also, still need to talk to my Doc. We've still not been contacted since the day I told the Doc's nurse that I had started and she told me to go get my beta done early. Luckily, I know how to get my results from the lab, or I may have been wondering the last ~3 weeks...I know we're due for our failure follow up appointment (or as some of my fellow bloggers call the WTF appointment - Hubby says they are all WTF appointments...). I know that the Doc will have no real reasons why it didn't work this time. He had no real answers as to why IVF #1 didn't work and attempt #2 was better, so I don't expect to have any answers this time either. We do, however, have 3 frozen embryos (aka frost babies or babies on ice). Doing a frozen embryo transfer (FET) is new territory for us and I'd like to talk to the Doc in greater detail about that. I know that odds of success diminish when using frozen embryos, if they even survive the thaw. That doesn't make me feel great, but it does mean I don't have to go through retrieval again - at least for attempt #3. That is a small miracle in itself because of 2 reasons:
1. I don't like pain and last time was very painful.
2. I don't like passing out and I've tried to twice.

I guess I have to make some phone calls tomorrow to see about attempt #3.

What's Next?

2011-10-19T19:34:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I are trying to recover from this 2nd failed attempt at IVF-ICSI. Most of the time, I'm ok. Work has been extremely busy lately. Every once in a while, though, I start feeling sorry for myself. Friends at work and church were so disappointed to hear it didn't work. My sister-in-law emailed and said she was sure it was going to work this time. I wish she was right.

I think I've handled it better this time because I found out on my own terms in private. There was not this giant get-your-hopes-up build up. I didn't have to agonize over how many hours I'd have to wait for the beta blood test and then the phone call with results. My period came early. It was an unexpected, unwelcome surprise. But it happened. In my bathroom. In the morning before I really had my wits about me. Several days early. God let me down easy this time.

Hubby hasn't said much, other than he's so very disappointed. Makes me sad that my body is now the one not cooperating. We jumped his IF hurdle. Now why is my bod not doing its job?

Several days after the beta, I realized that my math was a little off. I have been saying that we've now been trying for more than 4 years. That's not actually the truth. Technically, we've really only had a shot at it twice. Out of 4 years of timing, taking temps, charting, and now shooting myself up, we've only had a real shot at a baby two times. Stats show that it takes sometime between 3 months and a year to be successful. I do not like what I just realized.

My body is still recovering from this round of retrieval. My left ovary was handling the brunt of OHSS and I think it's still mad at me. Every once in a while, I feel a tinge of pain. I know you're angry! You don't need to take it out on me!

And now, I need your input! I was speaking with my other sister-in-law about the whole ordeal last weekend. She had several miscarriages and had a lot of trouble conceiving their 4th and final child. She gave me a book that was recommended to her that talks about nutrition and infertility. She and others have suggested both acupuncture and deep tissue massage. Our problems stem from Hubby's infertility issues. I've tested very young and healthy internally, minus PCOS which is regulated well by drugs. I can understand doing these things if I was the one in the marriage with fertility issues-but I'm not. My Doc is pleased with me and with the quantity and size of eggs I produce. Would these things do me any good? I'd normally say any excuse to have a massage is a good one, but in reality, these things are rather expensive to have done-especially more than once. What's your experience been with these things and implantation?

IVF #1 All Over Again

2011-10-11T18:38:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday, October 4th, I was still feeling crampy, hungry and tired. I noticed that there was a little spotting when I went to the bathroom. I began to panic. This is exactly what happened with IVF #1 - and even on the same day. From that point, I was kind of a mess. The home pregnancy tests were still coming out negative. Things didn't look good.

On Wed., Oct. 5th, I got up and took another pregnancy test and as I was waiting the 3 minutes to read it, I noticed that there was blood in the toilet....Now isn't that the most ironic awful thing ever? Of course the test was negative.

I wasn't due for my beta blood test until the next day. When I could regain control of myself and my voice, I called my Doc's office to find out what to do. The nurse told me that I could go ahead and get my beta done early if I wanted because they had to have at least one blood test. Not only did I want the whole thing over with, but I didn't want to take that giant needle with Progesterone in the behind if I didn't have to. That would just be salt in the wound, really.

After a staff meeting that day, a couple co-workers asked me how I was feeling. And that is when I lost it. I had held it together really well until then. I told them that I was taking my "lunch" after the meeting to go get my bloodwork done.

The trip to the blood lab was terrible. I knew what the result was going to be, yet I still had to go through with it - another necessary evil in this process. I called to get the results a couple hours later and it was, in fact, negative. I got the final smack in the face in this whole process - a day early!

Blue Dye Tests are the Devil!

2011-10-09T22:53:00.000-04:00

So on Sunday, Oct 2nd, curiosity got the better of me and I began the ritual of POASing. I have read many other blogs and know that this day (5dp5dt) is when many fortunate ladies have gotten their BFP. I decided that, even though the doctor's instructions say not to, I needed to take a home pregnancy test. I'm impatient - refer to my previous post!

I used a CVS Brand Early Detection Test. This test, I've come to find out, is one of the tests that uses blue dye. One line if you're not pregnant. Two lines if you are. I saw 2 lines very quickly - and then 1 went away. What the heck did that mean? I got so excited that I started crying. Was that a BFP? The more time went by, the less the line was able to be seen until I got Hubby several minutes later and he could not see a 2nd line at all.

What just happened?

I sat the test in the drawer in my bathroom and went to church for the evening. I pulled that test out when we got home several hours later and there were two lines for sure. But the directions say not to read anything after a few minutes. So I was feeling really "iffy" about the results. Later that night, at the encouragement of Hubby, I tested again. This time, a 2nd line showed up again, but not for about 20 minutes - way past the time you are supposed to read the results.

I, of course, consulted Dr Google, who taught me that "evaporation lines" are a real problem with blue dye pregnancy tests. Any test that uses blue dye has a tendency to show evaporation lines - lines that show up and then quickly disappear. They also have the tendency to give false positives after the recommended reading time. Looks like I was a sucker for both of these problems in one day. That was an awfully mean joke. So....

Hubby and I made a late night trip to Wal-Mart where we bought a pack of First Response Early Response tests (pink dye test that doesn't have the probs of the blue ones) and a pack of ClearBlue Digital tests. I used one of each when we got home and they were definitely negative. I also used a First Response Test the next morning and it was negative too. I hate it that the blue dye tests got my hopes up like that. Finding out I was one of many who fell for its tricks was an awful feeling.

The Wait

2011-10-09T13:55:00.000-04:00

After transferring 2 embryos on Tuesday, Sept. 27th, I had to wait 9 days till my 1st beta blood test. Have I mentioned before how much I hate waiting - for anything - let alone major results like this? Perhaps some would say I have no patience, but I like to refer to myself as a person of action. I like to get things done - and the quicker the better!

I had no major symptoms one way or another - and now that I was recuperating from OHSS this time, I really could not tell what may be causing what. I was hungry and thirsty. I had some pain and pinching in my abdomen. It still hurt to use my muscles to start and stop peeing (sorry if that's too much info). I was tired and napped most afternoons when I was home from work - even if I did nothing all day. I ran a low grade fever for a couple days, but am attributing that to fighting a sinus infection. I felt kind of blah.

Several of my friends asked me if I felt anything or felt any different. I wish I had some great answer for them. I told them that I could tell something was going on, but wasn't sure if my body was prepping for an oncoming period or pregnancy.

Deja Vu Transfer

2011-10-05T19:04:00.001-04:00

We headed to the doc's office on Tuesday, Sept. 27th for transfer. I was looking forward to this because we'd learn how our little embryos grew over the last couple of days. I, however, was in some pain as well. The Doc ordered me to have a full bladder for the procedure. (Having a full bladder helps them see where they need to guide the embryos on the ultrasound screen.) So, I emptied my bladder an hour before the procedure and drank 20 ounces of water in a matter of minutes. And then we waited. And waited. And waited.....

I was still having some pain from retrieval and OHSS and a full bladder was causing me pain. I think my bladder must've been rubbing my left ovary or something... At any rate, my bladder was VERY full and VERY painful. And then the Doc was running 20 minutes late. They called my name and I told the nurse that she may have to help me if I pee my pants. I probably shouldn't have said that in a full waiting room, but oh well.

I was prepped and put onto the table. Dr. Larry King, my Doc, was going to do the transfer. He came in and immediately apologized that he was running late and asked if I wanted to relieve my bladder just a little. You're darned right I did! So, after a 5-second bathroom break, I was back on the table and ready to begin. He came in with our embryo report. Two had made it to a Grade 1 blastocyst stage, 4 were at the late morula stage, and the rest didn't make it. Two again? After I had once again worried about how many we should transfer and weighed the pros and cons of 1, 2, or 3, the decision was made for us once again. We agreed that we'd transfer both blastocysts. The Doc also said that they'd let the 4 late morulas grow through the week and freeze anything that made it to the blastocyst stage, like last time. Anybody else feeling deja vu?

After I signed the papers for the 2 to be transferred, things moved fairly quickly. The nurse, the Doc, a student-Doc, Hubby, and embryologist were in the room. The transfer was quick and painless. When he was finished, they passed the tube through the window to the lab where it was examined under a microscope. The exclamation, "Clean!" from the biologist told us that the embryos were in. Everyone cleared and out and I laid on the table another 20 minutes while I begged Hubby to tell me a story to get my mind off my full, painful bladder. He talked to me about his soccer team that he coaches. The embryologist that had actually injected the sperm into the eggs and had called me each day with the update came in to introduce himself. He told us that the embryos looked, "Really great" this time and that he hopes it's successful this round. I thought it was nice that he personally came in to introduce himself and reassure us about our little embryos. It was nice to put a face with the voice that I so looked forward to hearing from each day!

When the 20 minutes was up, I ran to the bathroom and was never so happy to get to pee. Then I got dressed and we made our way out and laid down in the vehicle on the way home. I made one quick stop at the bathroom before going to bed for the next several days. Hubby had gotten cables and plugs to be able to hook up the computer to the tv so I could watch shows. A friend brought over some books since some of my favorites were stolen at our other house. My cat was by my side. I kept getting texts and emails from friends checking in on me. I was set.

Now, these embryos just needed to do their thing!

Babysitter Updates

2011-10-02T22:31:00.001-04:00

14 retrieved & all fertilized with ICSI procedure on Thurs., Sept 22nd.
9 growing on Fri., Sept. 23rd.
9 growing on Sat., Sept. 24th. All had divided. 7 4-celled Grade 1s. 2 4-celled grade 2s.
9 growing on Sun., Sept. 25th. 6 8-celled grade 1s. 1 8-celled grade 2s. 1 6-celled grade 2. Dr said not to worry about the 6-celled one - that it could just be timing of when he checked on them. He said that they were all looking great and were put into the growth medium under the incubator.
No update on Mon., Sept. 26th. They leave them alone under the incubator until Tues., Sept. 27th transfer.

Grow babies, grow!

Dr Called Me at Home

2011-10-01T19:04:00.000-04:00

The next morning, the Dr that was on call the night before called me at home to find out how I was doing. Can I tell you how pleased I am with the entire medical staff at my Doc's Office? She asked me if the pain was under control and if I'd been sick. I told her that the 4 Advil were quite the blessing the night before. She said that she only wanted me to take more Advil if it was absolutely necessary. She told me to expect some sickness and trips to the bathroom - which had already happened - and asked me to keep an eye on my weight. She said if I find that I put on a significant amount of weight in the next day or 2 (like 5 pounds of more) to let them know. I'm thankful that did not happen!

I continued to take the Tylenol and lay still, except for running to the bathroom. Hubby has been so sweet to me - making sure I'm fed and comfortable. I think the night before scared him as much as it scared me.

Ohhhhh HSS

2011-09-30T23:41:00.000-04:00

On Friday, Sept. 23rd, I laid around, watched Netflix, and slept. I only got up a couple times to pee - which by the way was painful again this round of IVF. It seems that a fuller bladder was rubbing against something that did not like being touched right now. I was pretty sore from retrieval and wasn't in the mood to move much! Hubby stayed home with me, fed me every few hours on my demand, and was good to me.

I was relying heavily on Tylenol, which I was taking every 2 hours to keep the pain to a minimum. The Dr. said that was all I was allowed to take - so I did! Hubby gave me a Tylenol at 3pm and then went to coach his high school soccer team. He came home around 6pm and I fell asleep almost immediately. At 7pm, I woke up with terrible pain. I figured it was just from meds wearing off and a full bladder, so I quickly made my way to the bathroom. While I had to pee, the pain did not subside. It actually got worse. By the time I wobbled back to the couch, I was in tears it was so bad. What in the heck was happening? This didn't happen with IVF Round #1.

Hubby shoved 2 Tylenol into my mouth and we waited for it to take effect. It did not. After an hour, the pain had reached a level that even scared Hubby. The Tylenol hadn't begun to even touch the pain. I laid on the couch and writhed. I seriously thought I was giving birth to my ovaries. I was worried and confused. Hubby called the Dr Office's after-hours answering service to have the Doc on call get ahold of us. She called and before Hubby could even finish explaining what was going on, she explained that I had developed Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS). She told him that they had only needed to go after the larger eggs this time instead of fishing around and taking everything like last time. The smaller eggs were still being stimulated by the trigger shot that I took on Tuesday. They were getting large and bursting, causing pain. They were also leaking fluid into my abdomen causing me more pain. She explained to Hubby that the pain associated with OHSS was excruciating. She told him that if he had any heavy duty pain meds left from his sperm retrieval in March - find it and give it to me just to knock me out and get me out of pain. And here I was only supposed to have Tylenol!? Unfortunately he couldn't find the meds, so she instructed him to give me 4 Advil ASAP.

After another 30 minutes, the Advil worked and I was finally able to lay still and relax. There was still pain, but it was bearable.

I told Hubby that it was a good thing that OHSS hadn't happened the first round of IVF or there might not have been a 2nd round!

Retrieval

2011-09-27T17:45:00.000-04:00

On Thursday, Sept. 22nd, Hubby and I headed off to retrieval. I must admit that I was a little anxious - I knew what I was in for this time! At 8am, I took my Xanax happy pill as prescribed. I think it made me calmer, but it didn't make me loopy like last time. Since I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything since midnight the night before, I was really thirsty. I thoroughly enjoyed that little sip of water I got with the pill. I offered Hubby a large sum of money if he'd sneak me a glass of water, but he said no.

At 8:45am, we arrived at the cryogenics lab and signed papers for them to thaw Hubby's sperm. We then went next door to my Doc's office to get ready for the procedure. A woman from the lab came over and had us sign papers for them to thaw the 1 embryo we had frozen last time - just in case there was some major fluke of nature and we didn't have many fertilize this time. After that, I got a shot in the rear of dilaudid (narcotic). The point of this was for me to relax and take away pain. As with the Xanax, it worked, but only marginally. I was relaxed, but I wasn't goofy.

By 10am, I was on the table, the Doc had opened the window to the lab next door, and I was being prepped. The nurse and I chatted about our allergies being bad this year as the Doc numbed me -what else do you talk about while 4 people are in a room with you while you're naked and getting your you-know-what numbed?! The Doc pulled up the pics on the ultrasound machine, and set to work. Hubby stood at my left, held my hand, and rubbed my forehead. Once again, we could see everything that the Doc was doing and the doc through the little window in the wall started saying numbers aloud.

Then the pain started. I was certainly feeling more this time and it wasn't good. Hubby and i watched the ultrasound screen intentky as we could see each black follicle be punctured and then get smaller as the fluid was taken out of each. By the time he had moved over to the other ovary, I was really experiencing pain. I could feel everything he was doing. I kept thinking that I just needed to hang on long enough for him to get through and it'd be over.

And finally it was.

They closed the window to the lab, got me cleaned up, and got me a glass of water. Thank goodness! It doesn't take much to make me happy these days! The nurse began sitting me up gradually. She was there during retrieval #1 when I tried to pass out and didn't want me to do that again. When she left the room, Hubby said that he could tell I felt more this time and was in more pain because he caught me holding my breath several times. What can i say? It hurt! After several minutes of laying there with my glass of water, the nurse came back in, helped me sit all the way up and asked Hubby to help me get dressed.

When she stepped out, Hubby sat at the end of the table, looked at me funny, and asked me if I was ok. I said yes. And then about 5 seconds later, I got that really weird feeling again - the feeling where my head is floating above my body and my fingertips go numb. Darn it! It was happening again. I told Hubby I wasn't ok and he immediately laid me back down. He ran out and got the nurse, who came in and told me I'd lost my lips -and all other color - again. She put a cold rag on my head. I apologized for pulling this stunt again and she said that it was very common, which made me feel a bit less embarrassed. She put a cold rag on my head and had me lay there a while longer.

After a few minutes, she put me into a wheelchair with the stylish paper blanket over me and wheeled me to another room where I could lay down as long as I needed. When I was able to hold myself up, Hubby got me dressed and we made our way out. On the way out, the nurse told me that the final egg count was 14!

Not Doing It Right

2011-09-25T22:37:00.001-04:00

The morning after a Trigger Shot, I'm supposed to take a home pregnancy test to make sure that the trigger shot worked. Not that I'm pregnant, but the test will come up positive because of the hormones released from the shot. When I got the result, I was to call the Dr's office - no later than 8:30am.

I set my alarm and got up at 8am on Wednesday, Sept. 21st. I peed on the stick and let it sit. I waited. And I waited. And I waited. The darned thing didn't do anything. I didn't get a positive. I didn't get a negative. I got nothing. So, I got on the phone and called the Dr's office. I offered to wait till I had to pee again and take a 2nd pregnancy test, but the nurse said I had to go to the hospital to have some bloodwork done as soon as possible.

Hubby and I headed to the lab at the hospital where I had bloodwork done "STAT." After that, I headed to work and waited to hear about the test results. Hubby must've been a little nervous as well because he called and texted me to see if I'd heard about the results yet. My co-workers asked me why I didn't just take another home pregnancy test and I had to explain that I couldn't "go" again before I had to call the dr. Believe me, I had already thought of that one!

The nurse called me later that afternoon and said that everything tested fine and I must've just had a "dud" test.

So after all that worrying, I was fine. So not only can I make a baby, but apparently I can't even pee on a stick the right way...

2nd & 3rd Monitoring Appointments

2011-09-25T17:56:00.002-04:00

On Friday, September 16th, Hubby and I went to our 2nd monitoring appointment. My estradiol level came back at 754, which the nurse said was great. The ultrasound also showed that most of my follicles were measuring between 10-12. I told the Dr that I was already very uncomfortable - that my jeans were fitting tightly and I didn't feel great. I was also losing my voice because my allergies were trying to turn into a sinus infection. I wasn't whole-heartedly admitting that, though, because I was afraid they'd cancel the cycle if they thought I was sick. I had also been through enough sinus infections in my life to know that my regular Drvwould prescribe antibiotics for me to get rid of the crud. It had been made VERY clear to me that all I was allowed to take for ANYTHING was Tylenol. The nurse asked what was going on with my voice and I explained that I have terrible allergies that always try to turn into a sinus infection. I was happy to hear that I could go and get antibiotics -and so I went later that afternoon and saw my regular dr too.

On Tuesday, September 20th, we had our final monitoring appointment. I had a couple follicles in the 20s, which the Dr said might have gotten too big, but was worth it to let all the rest get big enough to use. The rest were 16-18. My estradiol level was in the 3000's. The Dr said we were "Ready to go." I was happy to hear that I was done shooting up with Lupron and Bravelle every 12 hours of my life and this uncomfortable feeling might have a chance at going away soon!

On Tuesday night, Hubby rushed home from coaching a high school soccer game to give me my trigger shot (Novarel) at 10pm. (Trigger shot is a mega dose of stimulant that tells the eggs to mature in order to be ready for retrieval in 36 hours.) Apparently, Hubby got a little light headed from sticking such a long needle in my behind. It stung and was over soon enough.

New Taglines for Drugs

2011-09-18T16:51:00.000-04:00

Xanax and Dilaudid on retrieval day...

God's way of letting IF's feel like they "just relaxed," or "had a few" and it just happened.

Useful Info

2011-09-17T10:58:00.000-04:00

It is already difficult for me to mix meds and give myself shots at 7am. As you'll recall, I don't get up till later because I work later than most people.

Mother Nature decided to give me a little challenge this morning...

It is extremely difficult to shoot up when you have violent hiccups at 7am.

Picture this: I am holding a syringe in both hands, holding my breath. I drank a whole glass of water. I even tried jumping up and down. Nothing worked.

Yes, there was blood. I'm ok now! :-)

Sleepless Night

2011-09-16T22:56:00.000-04:00

Last night was not very restful for me. I started to become uncomfortable a couple days ago and it just seems to be getting worse. I realize this is because I have lots of eggs growing and they are significantly larger this time around. I think I might have been this uncomfortable the night before retrieval last time- this time I still have almost a week to go. Either I'm becoming a whiner or it's worse this time! They did up my meds, so I'm hoping I'm not a whiner.

I'm having a hard time explaining just how I'm uncomfortable. This is not a cramping feeling. It's not a sharp pain. It's more like a dull ache that cannot be alleviated by changing positions in the bed...as I found out from 4am to 5am last night.

At 4am, I woke up and could not find a position that would let me sleep. At 5am, my pillow and I went downstairs to the couch where I was able to sleep while sitting up. I hate to think this is how im going to sleep for the next week, but it worked last night...

1st Monitoring Appointment

2011-09-15T13:30:00.000-04:00

We headed to the Dr. early in the morning on Wed., Sept. 14th. I had my bloodwork done and then met with the 4th Dr. in the practice - the only one I hadn't seen yet. He is filling in for mine who was out yesterday. This Dr. kind of looks like Bob from the Viagra commercials, so we will call him Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob did my ultrasound and pointed out that I have 6 large follicles on the right and 5 on the left. (I thought there were more on the screen, but they were smaller and he didn't measure those.) He pulled out my chart from the last IVF round and showed that I have a couple more follicles and they are a little bigger than where I was at this point last time. So I guess the extra medicine this time is helping a bit. Let the record show, it's still a pain to shoot up every 12 hours...

I got a phone call from the nurse later that afternoon. She said that my E2 level had come back at 310. During Round 1 IVF at this point, I had an E2 level of 204. So this was also above where I was last time. The nurse went on to state that the threshold for retrieval is 500, so I'm well on my way to getting there. She said that they want me to come back in 2 days for another monitoring appointment. She went ahead and put me on activity restrictions (no running, high impact, or strenuous activities). Also, no alcohol, caffeine or pain meds other than Tylenol. I guess I'm a lot closer than I thought I was if they're already doing that!

As of writing this on Thursday, Sept. 15th, I am starting to feel uncomfortable. My stomach is a bit upset when I wake up in the morning. I'm a little sluggish and tired. And I'm just uncomfortable - kinda bloated and tender - like I'd rather wear my pj pants all day. I seem to remember feeling this way when I got close to retrieval last time. However, I'm not complaining. If this round is successful, I'll be way more uncomfortable!

14 Years Together

2011-09-14T13:02:00.000-04:00

Happy day to Hubby and I! We've been together 14 years TODAY! We began dating our freshman year of college on this day. Nine years ago today, the rascal proposed to me. And the rest is history....

Knee Deep

2011-09-14T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am knee deep in Round #2 of IVF-ICSI.

I began birth control pills in mid-August - you know, those pills I never thought I'd take again! I had the same type of trouble this round getting Lupron on time - backorder again! Ladies beware: DON'T wait until the last minute to get your Lupron. This time, the drug company messed up. They had my order for more than a week and didn't call me to get payment or schedule delivery. I finally had to call and start the process. Then they tell me it could be weeks before I get Lupron. Of course! At 5pm the night before I was supposed to begin Lupron shots, a courier arrived at my door with the beloved Lupron. He couldn't speak English very well, but he delivered the goods, so we were instant friends. Nothing like cutting it close....

And that brings me to my next dilemma with this round: I used up almost all of the allowable drug money from the last round of IVF. So this time, I have to pay something like $2,200 for Bravelle (stim shots). 14 days worth of drug will cost me several thousand dollars - the only word that can possibly describe that is STUPID or EXTORTION! You pick.....

I finished the 3-weeks of birth control pills, shot myself up every morning with Lupron and was doing pretty well. I was only nervous giving myself the shots the very first time. Then, I just fell back into old habit. The alarm clock going off at 7:20a.m. every morning still startles me, but once I figure out why it's going off so early, I get up and do my thing. This time around, I haven't had the massive hot flashes like last time. I just seem to always be several degrees warmer than everyone else. But there's no ears-neck-face-turning-red-and-instantly-sweating this time around. No one's had to ask me, while in a professional setting, "Are you OK?" I can deal with warm - especially since it's the end of August and that's normal weather for here.

I think I have been more emotional this round, but that could be due to several things. Yes, I am on drugs that will do that to a lady. But I'm also having a stressful time at work. My boss stepped down and we have interim people filling in for him (that are clueless). I'e been fighting allergies and sinus infection all summer, mostly due to stress and lack of sleep. It's all just kind of ganging up on me and currently, I have no voice at all. Hubby is in heaven!

I had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday, Sept. 9th. They wanted my E2 level below 80. Mine was at 13. I was given the go-ahead to start stim shots on Sat., Sept. 10th. This round, the doc upped it to 2 vials in the morning and 2 vials at night in the hopes that we get a few bigger, mature eggs in the end. Let's hope those little guys are growing!

Decision is Made

2011-08-14T18:02:00.000-04:00

We've weighed the options and have come to a decision.

On one hand we could do a frozen cycle. The positives include it costing less (ONLY $1k-HA!), require less trips to the doctor (who is an hour away) and would be less of a strain on my body. The negative is that we only have one frozen embryo. That means one chance with an embryo that will not be a Grade 1. And, it may not even make it through thaw, which means I could go through the entire prep, get on the table, and then have nothing to work with.

On the other hand, we could do another fresh cycle. The positives include that we might have multiple embryos to work with again and we could add the frozen one to anything we get to increase our odds. And if we have extra embryos, we can freeze them to put with our one little frozen embryo. It will also mean another $8,700 for the doc and procedures, as well as another several thousand for meds since I used up my allowable spendable per calendar year last time.

We've decided to do another fresh cycle for several reasons. Since I'm not 35 yet (i.e. close to death in the fertility world), we figured our chances are better with a fresh cycle now. Also, I can't imagine mentally going through the prep for another cycle and then having nothing to work with the day of transfer. Life has been cruel enough lately and we seem to always fall on the bad side of average. We know it's going to cost us more and dealing with the meds is a pain in the you-know-what, but figure it's worth the chance.

Seeing Double Again!

2011-08-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago I went out to eat with Mom. We went to her favorite place - it's the same restaurant at which I saw a set of twin girls on Mother's Day earlier this year. On this particular visit, I noticed that I saw 2 sets of twins there at lunch. This time, there was a set of little boys and another set of little girls. All were a-dor-a-ble! I told Mom that I find it funny that I see twins every time we are there. She said she is going to take me there more often! A-MEN!

Naive Talk

2011-07-25T20:47:00.000-04:00

One day during the last month, I was talking to a friend about his current job and his upcoming wedding. Sounds like they really have a plan. They will be married in September. They are apartment-hunting right now because they plan to have a family fairly soon. He also plans to ask to be switched to day-shift at work in order to be able to care for the children that will soon be conceived....

Oh you silly, naive young man....

I once had plans like that. I was going to finish my Master's Degree, teach for a year to get my permanent license, then have a child the next year. Well.....I finished the degree in 2007. There were no teaching jobs to be had, so I continued to work at the Youth Center where I still am now in 2011. The Dr. said that once I went off birth control in the summer of 2007, it should take 3 months to get out of my system and we'd be good to go.

I had mixed emotions as he talked. At first, I just thought he was a silly and immature young man. Life never works out according to plan. Didn't he know that by now? On the other hand, I hoped for the best for him. I hoped that things worked out according to his well-thought-out plan. I hoped he never knew the pain of how badly those plans can be messed up and never had to try to salvage the pieces of a plan.

M.I.A.

2011-07-24T16:39:00.000-04:00

I have been MIA for a while and it's been good for me. I haven't shot myself up with anything, haven't worried about whether the tea I'm having is decaf or not, and haven't had any blood drawn. I've even had a few beers. It's been good.

Since my last writing, Hubby and I have traveled to have one last visit with his bro's family before they leave for their long-term mission work in Papua New Guinea. It was a bittersweet visit. It was so good to see them and catch up, but it was sad because we won't all be together again for quite a few years. They have three little ones who will grow up on the other side of the world, which will be an amazing experience...just far away. Thankfully, I found out that they will have access to the internet and I will be able to see their adventures through their blog, emails, and maybe even some Facetime on my iPad if I can figure out how to make it work!

I also caught up with some of my college friends and spent a day with them while they were nearby. It was good to see them - even the one who is pregnant with twins. Of course it's the roommate that we never expected to get married, let alone have kids! They were all so kind and wanted to prepare me beforehand in case she was showing. I am fortunate to have people that care so much about me and want to protect me

I avoided a baby shower. I know...terrible, right? Remember the insensitive girl at my church that I told you about in an earlier post? It was her baby shower. I have a gift for her soon-arriving little boy and I will give it to her at church. I just couldn't go to the shower. I don't think I could stand listening to her complain about putting on weight, wearing maternity clothes, or any other comment that makes me want to smack her. Please note, I'd never smack a pregnant woman...not on purpose anyway....

The Youth Program that I run is in full summer-mode. We completed 30 4-H projects and they all got A's. We've been to the pool, played on the playground, and enjoyed ice cream from a local shop. I'm putting together a huge new fundraiser at work.

Life is busy. It's been a good month.

What's Your Vote?

2011-06-29T21:34:00.000-04:00

Wed., June 15th at 10am we traveled to Dr. Larry King's office for our follow up appointment.

As soon as I walked in, Dr. Larry King asked me how I was truly doing. He really is a nice guy. I told him that I had my days. He said that we were average straight down the line as far as response to medicine and number of follicles. I finished his statement by stating that we just "fell on the wrong side of average when it came to the results." He agreed. The Doc pointed out that this happens all the time in the real world and people don't even know. He said that there could have been something wrong with the 2 embryos that stopped them from implanting...or it could have been nothing. There just isn't an answer.

As far as next steps, he said we could either do a frozen cycle with our 1 frozen embryo, or we could start all over with a fresh cycle. He said that the frozen cycle would be a lot easier on me, require less medicine and trips to his office (an hour away), and be significantly less expensive (around $2,500). Our other option would be to start all over with a fresh cycle, which would be the whole process all over again and another $8,700. In either case, we could begin the process as early as July, but he suggested waiting until at least August to let me heal mentally and physically.

The downside to a frozen cycle is that we only have 1 embryo. Doc pointed out that it would not be classified as a Grade 1 blast because it grew late, which diminishes our chances. Also, the process of freezing and thawing is hard on the embryo and there is a possibility that I get totally ready for the cycle, get on the table, and the 1 embryo doesn't make it through the thaw.

The downside to the fresh cycle is that it's hard on my body, there are no better chances for a 2nd time, and it is very expensive. The Doc did point out that if we don't end up with enough embryos with a fresh cycle, we could put the frozen one with the fresh ones. If we end up with too many to use during this next cycle, we could freeze them to put with the one we already have frozen to make for another cycle.

We asked the Dr if there was anything that he'd do differently if we tried another fresh cycle. He said that he had plenty of room to play with medicine dosage, so he'd probably increase the dose of Bravelle.

He told Hubby and I to think it over and take some time to figure out what we want to do.

What's your vote?

Pity Party

2011-06-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

OK, here's a run-down of the weekend after I got my BFN:

It was the 5th anniversary of my Dad's death. I miss Dad and find it hard that he's really been gone five years. Makes me want to have children as soon as possible so I don't rob my Mom of knowing her grandchildren, too.
It was Father's Day weekend. My Dad is gone and Hubby isn't a Dad.
All you-know-what is going down at work between my boss and Board of Directors. Lucky me, I'm in the middle of it all! (yes, sarcasm font)
Allergies are awful and I'm fighting with my own face. Ever had an ongoing battle with your own face? You don't win. I haven't been able to wear my contacts in a week.
I've put on weight since not being allowed to do anything vigorous the last 2 months. There's no way I'm getting my skinny jeans on anytime soon. Guess I'll have some ice cream or maybe a beer to make me feel better...
We are going to have to do some major renovations to our previous home in order to get rid of it or even be able to rent it out. This will take the money that we've saved for IVF attempt #2. (I asked our insurance agent if I'd be in trouble if I burned it down and didn't turn it in for insurance. She said that, while it would not be insurance fraud, it would still be arson. And for that, I'd go to jail.) Well....don't they pay for all your medical procedures in jail? I could kill two birds.....
And IVF-ICSI attempt #1 failed.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. Insert pity party dance here.

Good News, Right?

2011-06-27T22:25:00.000-04:00

First, I must apologize. I haven't written in a while. I needed some time to deal with my emotions. Also, I must apologize because of my recent saddening posts. I guess that's part of this process, though, right? And I started this blog as therapy for myself and also to help someone else out there going through this process who is as clueless as I was. I didn't want to be a big downer and make everyone feel awful or sorry for me - there are a couple sad posts coming. But I didn't think I'd be true to myself if I left out some of the hurt from a BFN. And that's where I am right now. So bear with me.

Now, on with the post:

"You have good news to share, right?" These words have come to haunt me during the last month. I think I'd be OK with them if I knew they were coming. But no, it can't be that easy. Those words have to smack me in the face, leave a sting in my eyes, and embarrass the crap outta me.

I first heard them at a big church conference just three days after we got the phone call telling us that my blood test was negative. We saw our former preacher, who keeps up with us through some mutual friends. He walked up to us, gave me a big hug, and said, "So I hear you have some good news to share?" I couldn't even answer him. All I could do is shake my head and try not to do the "ugly" cry. You know the one - where your lips are curled and your face shows just how bad you're hurting. It hit me hard because I wasn't expecting it. I didn't even know that he knew we were attempting IVF-ICSI. It seems that if I'm not prepared for the "smack," it hurts badly. He fell all over himself apologizing and I told him it was OK - that it was still just very new news - that I would be all right - and that I was happy that he cared enough to ask.

The next time I heard those words was on the phone about a week later. A friend called me at work to talk to me about several charity auctions with which we were helping. As soon as she identified herself, I knew the question was coming....and sure enough....it did. But I had the feeling that it was coming, so I was ready. I could tell there was sadness in my voice when I told her that it didn't work, but I didn't bawl all over the place. She gave me some sympathy and words of encouragement to not give up. I handled this one better because I was prepared.

I wish I had better news to share with everyone. And, since I don't, I wish I was better prepared to tell people that IVF-ICSI attempt #1 didn't work. Wasn't one of my first posts titled, "No is the hardest answer"??? Boy if that's not irony.

Made A Fool of Myself in Public

2011-06-14T18:31:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, June 3rd (2 days after the Nurse called with the BFN), I was due to sing in church with our praise band. It just so happened that this weekend, I was singing by myself because the other singers were on vacation. Not good timing. I was pretty apprehensive about it, since I was having trouble even praying, let alone singing praises to God when my heart is hurting. Hubby, who is our worship leader and guitar/piano player, encouraged me to get through it and I said that I'd try.

When I arrived at church, I managed to really avoid any conversations. Just under the surface, I was still ready to cry at any moment and I was trying very hard to keep it together long enough to sing.

As the service started, I made my way up the aisle to take my place on the stage. A friend's Mom grabbed my hand and asked how things went. All I could manage to do was shake my head and continue my walk. Breathe. Get through this. Don't lose it in front of everyone.

I took my place at center stage while the associate pastor made the announcements. At the end, he stated that he'd been visiting family this week and found out that he's going to be a grandpa. This was more than I could take. I looked at Hubby and just lost it. You can probably picture this one: Pastor standing down in front of me smiling and happy about the news he just shared with the congregation. Then, behind him up on stage, I begin to cry. I walked off the stage and tried to compose myself. Thank goodness he went into a long prayer before our music, so I had the time to calm myself down and rejoin the band on stage as the music began. How in the world was I going to sing?

Somehow, I sang better that day that I had in a long time.

And as soon as the music was over, I left the sanctuary and cried. It was so unfair. I was hoping to have an announcement of my own that same day. I was also embarrassed that I lost it in public. If anyone wondered what was going on, there was no question after my public display. Way to go!

What Not to Say

2011-06-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

Many friends have asked about the results of our recent attempt at IVF-ICSI. I've had friends hug me, express how sorry they are, cry with me, and search for words to help me feel better. While I know they are trying to help and there are no words that can help, I wish they'd just remain silent sometimes. The following are things that you should not say to anyone in a grieving situation:

"We just don't understand God's plan." As I've said to friends, this infertility crap, as well as failed IVF are not things that come from a loving God. God would not plan for 9 little embryos to die. God would not plot for such sadness and grief in our lives. I refuse to believe in that kind of cruelty, especially from God. If a human planned to end 9 lives, we'd call him a murderer. My God is not a murderer. I can get mad. I can ask God why. But I am not blaming God for things that are not his doing.

"Everything happens for a reason." There is no reason for all this to happen. If there were a reason behind it, that means there is some plan behind it. See above for my thoughts on that.

"Let's pray together." I just can't right now. I bowed my head the other night and had nothing to say. While the time will come, I just don't have it in me right now. You can pray for me.

"When will you try again?" I just need to be sad for a minute. I'm not at the next-step phase yet. I'm still grappling with the medical bills, physical exhaustion, frustration, and sadness. (And did I mention one of the worse periods that I've ever had?!) I don't know next steps yet. When I do and I want to share, I'll let you know. Until then, please don't push ahead without letting me get over what just happened.

I do appreciate all the love, comments, and text messages that I get letting me know that I'm not alone and when I'm ready, I'll emerge a stronger person.

My Reactions

2011-06-09T23:24:00.000-04:00

I've had a mix of emotions running through me since getting the BFN last week. I'm going to attempt to summarize some of them.

I feel sad. I had hope that we had found out all the problems and had taken steps towards the solution, finally. I felt good prior to the BFN. I followed every direction to a tee and tried to make sure that it was successful.

I feel cheated. February 8, 2012 would've been my due date.

I feel confused. After all this bad has happened, aren't we due for something good? Did I do something wrong? I feel like I'm back at last August wondering what I've done to make God angry with me or why I wouldn't be a good parent?

I feel mournful for the loss of little lives - 8 to be exact. I feel very strongly that life begins at conception. We had 8 little lives - little beings made up of Hubby and me - not make it. We have 1 frozen and I've read that it may not make it through the thaw.

I feel mad. I bowed my head to pray at dinner the night after my BFN and I found that I had nothing to say to God. The other singers in our praise band at church were all on vacation this week. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to sing Sunday morning.

I feel irritated. A girl at my Youth Center told me that her sister is pregnant with her 3rd by a 3rd man. Did I mention she's 19?

I feel embarassed. My Mom helped us pay for IVF. I feel like I've wasted her money. I feel that same feeling as when my father passed away and we got the medical bills from him being in the hospital several days after his funeral. What good was it then? What good did it do for us now? It just feels like a giant waste of time, procedures, and money. And we have nothing to show for it all except all these used needles and track marks on my stomach, hip, and arms.

9dp5dt - The Answer

2011-06-06T00:49:00.001-04:00

I got up really early on Thursday, June 2nd to go to my morning Rotary meeting. I poas - my last test. I thought it looked a little questionable. I couldn't tell if my eyes were playing tricks on me or if there really was a very faint line there. I even got Hubby up to look at the thing. He really couldn't tell either, but I could tell he was cautiously excited. Maybe my HCG level was finally detectable. That would mean it had to be around 25, so I felt good as I left for my meeting.

Of course the speaker at Rotary went over his time limit and then we had to have our individual pictures taken for the new roster. I thought I was never going to get out of there to get my blood drawn for the beta.

Finally at 8:30, I got to the blood draw station and was told that I could call in 3 hours and get the results. I was ecstatic that I didn't have to wait till evening. I'd have an answer. Soon!

I went to work and managed to keep myself busy until 11:30am when I called the lab to get the numbers. I had a busy day with a tour at 1pm and a potential employee coming for a job interview at 2pm. I had things to get ready prior to both of those.

At 11:30, the lab tech told me that my beta came back at less than 2.4. I am not pregnant.

The rest of the day, I was a mess. I called Hubby who left work and came to sit in my office and cry with me. My staff members all came to check on me. My Mom even came to be sad with me. I texted friends a simple message - It's a no. That's all I could manage. Some called, but I just couldn't answer my phone. If I opened my mouth I just cried harder.

I tried to pull myself together to get through the rest of the day. I know my eyes were puffy and I looked funny, but it was as good as it was going to get that day. I gave the tour and got several new volunteers and donors. I hired my Summer College Intern. I managed to get through the day with the children at the Youth Center. It was the last day that we were open for the school year.

8dp5dt - Giant Question Mark

2011-06-03T21:38:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, June 1st was 8 days past transfer. I got up, poas, and it was negative.

I went to work and was busy most of the day. I still had discoloration all day going on, which made me nervous. AF: Either come or don't. But make up your gosh darned mind already!

Tonight we had our end-of-year cookout and party for the children enrolled in my Youth Center as well as all of their families. One of the mothers had texted me on my cell phone while I was at home the night before transfer. Normally, if a parent wants to talk to me, I will talk, even if I'm "off the clock." However, this particular mother is one of the type of people that thinks mainly of herself and is quite the drama queen. I just didn't think it was good to talk to her at that point. I had texted her back that night saying that I was unavailable - that I was going in for out-of-town surgery the next day and I'd be on bed rest and off work for the next week. I told her that I'd be happy to talk to her when I got back to work the following Tuesday. Well, at our cookout on Wednesday night, I got cornered by this mother that asked if I was OK and for what I had to have surgery. I was really put on the spot and wasn't sure what to say, so I told her that Hubby and I are trying to have a baby and are having to go through IVF. She put her hand on my shoulder and proceeded to tell me to just adopt some and then I'd get pregnant because that happened to someone we both know. My Mom (God bless her) was standing behind me and piped in saying that it wasn't that easy - that's not how it works - that it'd never happen naturally - and that that was not our plan.

I have to get used to not being so shocked that people are so flippant with their comments and say something back to them. I can think of all these witty things to say after-the-fact. "Thanks for that useless advice." "Easy for you to say since you have many children with your ex husband." "Perhaps you wouldn't say that to me if you knew the amount of heart-ache, money, shots, and procedures we've been through in order to have a chance at having a child." Or maybe I should just stick with the whole, "I don't remember asking for your opinion."

Later that evening my father-in-law called to see how I was doing. We updated him and told him that we hoped to have some sort of answer tomorrow with my 1st beta.

I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day. Hate that all the symptoms are the same. I feel like I have a giant question mark hanging over my head. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get the numbers from my beta very soon.

7dp5dt - Bloodwork and Back to Work

2011-06-01T23:36:00.000-04:00

I got up at 9am and POAS. It was negative. This was my last First Response Early Response Test.

I was in the tub getting ready for work when I received a call from Doctor's office because they never received my progesterone bloodwork from Thursday and the nurse wanted my local lab's phone number.

I received a voicemail, later, that she got ahold of the lab, that my progesterone was 21.5 and anything over 15 is good. The lab also decided to perform one of the beta tests, even though the lab clearly states that test isn't to be performed for another several days. The lab told my nurse that I must've turned in the wrong paperwork. I did nothing of the sort....

I called my nurse back and left a voicemail that they took ALL of my paperwork, which had dates on it for each test, so I'm not sure why they say I turned in the wrong paperwork. Also, I said on her voicemail I was concerned about them saying I'd already filled a beta test and I might need another order from her since they already performed the test.

She called me back and said she called the lab and straightened them out promising to credit my account with the beta so I didn't need additional orders. I laughed and said, "Shouldn't this be the easy part of this process." She agreed that this should not be the difficult portion.

I went back to work today It was absolutely crazy from being gone for a week. All my staff wanted to know how the transfer went and how I was doing. Apparently my emails had not been sent from my phone, so they were really worried when they'd not heard from me all week. I was really busy returning phone calls and emails and trying to catch up with paperwork with the school year ending and summer programming beginning at the Youth Center where I work.

I noticed some minor discoloration on the toilet paper before I went to bed. Not really bleeding or even spotting - just a little off-color. I lost it. This is what happens for several days right before my period. Hubby came upstairs to give me my PIO shot and found me crying while still sitting on the toilet. He told me that I just have to hold on - that it's not time to get upset. He's right, but I was still rattled.

I took a bath, hoping it'd make me feel better, or at least cool down because it's so darned hot right now. I calmed myself down, took my bath, and went to bed. This process, just like a period, is becoming a necessary evil that I'm not sure I like.

6dp5dt - Escaped Out of the House

2011-06-01T08:50:00.000-04:00

Monday, May 30th was 6 days after our transfer. Happy Memorial Day!

I had a good feeling about today. I got up, POAS, and it was negative. Not going to let it bother me today. I had enough of that yesterday.

I noticed a little acne on my chest. Could just be from being so hot the last few days. It gets hot there between the girls...

Was hungry from the moment I got up today. I ventured outside and cleaned out a couple flower beds and trimmed a couple bushes. I tried not to overdo it, but I was really tired of being lazy in the house. It was super hot today, so I had to do the yardwork in small shifts taking many breaks along the way. It felt good to get out of the house, be active, and make the yard look a little nicer. I only took a half hour nap today!

Today was 11 days past retrieval, so I am allowed to take baths again. No more showers, thank goodness! It felt SO good to take a bath after all that yardwork today! What a treat!

When I went to bed tonight, my ovaries hurt. I don't know whether this is a sign of an oncoming period or if they're just still trying to heal from all that's went on. They were still huge on the ultrasound the day of transfer, so I'm not sure.

Back to work tomorrow! Let's hope I don't have to kill my boss for saying anything he shouldn't!

5dp5dt - Fear Sets In

2011-05-31T22:52:00.000-04:00

Sunday, May 29th was five days past our 5-day transfer. I immediately got up and POAS. It was negative, as usual. While trying to get ready for church, I found myself looking up info about sensitivity of pregnancy tests. I read that the ones I'm using aren't very sensitive. That made me feel a little better. I was hoping for a positive by today. Hubby asked me if I tested and I told him yes. He asked the outcome and I shook my head. He looked as disappointed as I felt. I informed him that I discovered that I'm not using very sensitive tests and that I've read First Response Early Response is one I should be using instead.

We went to church and then out to eat some lunch with friends. On the way home, hubby suggested that we stop at the pharmacy and pick up a pack of the First Response tests. Someone must be as anxious as me. When we got home, I laid down and took an hour long nap. I'd only gotten up, gotten ready for church, and eaten. Why I needed a nap is beyond me.

When I got up, I had to pee again, so I tried one of the new tests. It was also negative. That made me disappointed again today. Twice in one day? That's just unnecessary torture on myself.

My husband leads a Sunday night worship group and we had the group over to our house that night for a cookout. I had some minor cramping in the left and center of my abdomen during the cookout. It was a grab and release type of cramp over and over. ugh. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I wish I knew.

I found that I let things bother me today. I'm sure it was the fact that I got a BFN on 2 tests today. Fear is beginning to set in. I know it's early. I know I should not be torturing myself like this. But I am. And it's starting to scare me.

4dp5dt - No News

2011-05-30T21:28:00.000-04:00

Saturday, May 28th was 4 days past our 5-day transfer. I slept till 10am and then hurried to the bathroom to pee. Yes, I tested. No, it was not positive. I wasn't surprised, so you shouldn't be either. No pity party here. 4 days past transfer is still way early. I mean, I know I've read about some of you very fortunate ladies who have gotten faint lines this early, but I'm not counting on it. I've been straight-down-the-line average the entire process - from depth of uterus, number of eggs produced, days on stims, etc., so I don't expect stellar above average results with a home preg test. I didn't have any "symptoms" today either - cramping, etc. Surprisingly, I didn't really think about it either! Go me!

It was a pretty tame day. I cleaned the kitchen and found my counter and sink. I didn't know we had that many dishes! I took a bath, ate, and watched a lot of TV. We had a couple friends come over to hang out for a little bit that night. All in all, a very tame day for Hubby and me. I'm not sure I'm going to know what to do with myself when I have to go back to work on Tuesday! I could get used to this!

3dp5dt - Not Very Nice

2011-05-30T08:28:00.000-04:00

It was Friday, May 27th - three days past our five-day transfer. Early in the morning, I got a call from cryogenics lab. On day of transfer, we were told that we had 4 embryos that had quit growing. There were 2 that had made it to blastocyst stage that we used in the transfer. There was one that was "iffy" that had made it to the late morula stage. They were going to let it grow to see if it made it to blastocyst stage. The woman from the lab called to say it had made it to a Grade 1 blast, so we have one frozen embryo! YAY! I didn't think we were going to have any left and we'd have to start this process all over again if we wanted to try again. That was a nice surprise!

I did a home pregnancy test today and it was negative. I know that it's really too early to get an accurate result, but I sort of did it just to see if the trigger shot was out of my system so any future tests would be valid. Looks like it's all out and tests in the future would be valid.

I got so irritable today that I picked a fight with Hubby. He went to work for the afternoon and I took a 2 hour nap. Unfortunately, it didn't make me much nicer. I mentioned in my last post that some friends brought over a casserole for me to make. I put that in the oven for dinner for us that night. It wasn't a peace offering, but it was as close as I was going to get that day. I just wasn't nice and I don't even know why.

I had quit having the constant dull pain in the middle of my abdomen like I had yesterday. Today, around noon, I began feeling like I was getting ready to have my period - all bloated and feeling full in the uterus. It was a different feeling than yesterday altogether. I hoped this was not a bad sign of an impending disappointment.

Hubby hit a blood vessel and I bled heavily from my 11pm Progesterone shot tonight. I suppose that's what I deserve for being such a you-know-what to him today.

2dp5dt - Need To Know Basis

2011-05-29T23:51:00.006-04:00

Thursday, May 26th was 2dp5dt. Finally! I was off bed rest and Hubby wouldn't growl at me if I stalled while going to and from the bathroom because I was sick of being flat on my back. Even though I was off bed rest, I decided to take the day off of work. I've decided to keep my boss in the need-to-know category instead of divulging all info to him. I learned that the hard way when we were in a staff meeting last summer. Hubby and I had just found out all of our problems and that ICSI was our only chance for having a biological child of our own. I had told him about the ICSI-IVF procedure in confidence. He is my boss AND he is a minister. In staff meetings, he wastes a lot of time showing off for other staff members. On this particular day, he was making cute remarks about a previous staff member that is now deceased. I asked him if we could get on with it. He looked at me and said, "Well, normally we just have to deal with her and her normal hormones. Now we have to deal with her and her hormones on steroids." I'm not sure how I didn't kill him with my bare hands. My staff is amazed that I was able to keep my cool and they have come to despise him for his rude comments about this awful, long journey that has wound us up here. Not only did he divulge medical info about me to the entire staff, but he used it to make fun of me. So, he's in the need-to-know category now and he doesn't need-to-know much.

Anway I didn't tell my boss I was off bed rest on Thursday and that's not info that he needed-to-know! Because we are always closed on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and Monday is a holiday, I was off work until next Tuesday. That's a total of a week off. I figured this is the best way to relax and remain stress free - especially with my boss!

I had my initial Progesterone blood draw at 9am. Thank goodness I can now have all my upcoming blood tests performed here in town, so we may not have to drive the hour-long trip to my Doc's office. Since I have several blood draws coming up in the next few weeks, the lab went ahead and registered me as a recurring patient so I don't have to go through the registration process every time I go in. That'll be especially helpful when I have to go for my 2nd beta test next Saturday when the registration desk is closed, even though the lab is open.

Hubby and I grabbed some McDonald's for breakfast. That afternoon he took me to see The Hangover 2 at our local movie theatre. It's not as good as the 1st Hangover movie, in case you're wondering. I got really tired during the movie and could have napped there. I'm a really exciting date. Poor Hubby!

The middle of my abdomen hurt all day. I felt like I had been hit right in the abdomen with a softball. I even looked for a bruise several times wondering if I was reading too much into it, or if I'd hurt myself somehow. I took a Tylenol to try to make it stop that evening. While this pain lasted almost all day, it only lasted this one day.

I really didn't do a whole lot the rest of the day. Besides the blood draw and movie, I answered some work emails and made a few phone calls. My Mother-in-law called and chatted a few minutes while she was cleaning her classroom out for the summer.

Hubby made me another yummy dinner. I made brownies because ~~I am a chocoholic~~ I was craving something sweet.

Friends brought over a casserole for me to make for dinner the next night. People have been so nice bringing me things and checking up on me. I used to feel like this was just our problem but have realized that some of our closest friends are right here in the trench with us. I don't feel like we are alone in this and it's a nice feeling. Everybody's rooting for a baby (or two). One friend even messaged me, "Bring on the twins!"

All in all, it was another relaxing day, minus the pain. Let's hope it was for a good cause!

1dp5dt - Lazy

2011-05-28T12:44:00.000-04:00

It was Wednesday, May 25th. Today's theme word was LAZY!

I laid around all day today and watched TV and played on Facebook. I brought my laptop home from work, but managed to accomplish nothing productive. Late in the afternoon a friend brought me some frozen custard with chocolate, peanut butter, and Reese's Cups. It's one of my favorites. Unfortunately, it was a warm day and it had melted a bit before she got to my house. I tried to drink some of the melted stuff off the top while still laying down. Not a smart move. I ended up pouring it down the front of me. Nice, huh? My best advice to you all finding yourself in this same situation is get some yourself bendy straws. haha

Hubby mowed grass and cooked dinner for me, which was yummy. I hobbled to bathroom about every 3 hours and in the midst of this very busy day, I wasn't tired, but managed to take a 2.5 hour nap.

By that night in bed, I was restless and my lower back hurt from laying around.

How Many Men Does It Take to Get Me Pregnant?

2011-05-27T11:30:00.001-04:00

Transfer was scheduled for Tuesday, May 24th at 11:15am. I was stressed about how many to transfer. The embryos had been growing so well up to this point that I thought we'd have a giant decision ahead of us that day. I prayed and even got up and read the Bible looking for some divine answer from God. I wasn't sure I'd gotten any. I asked that the answer be made clear to us.

I had heard something a few days ago about writing things in purple ink in order to make them happen. I found a purple pen and wrote "Babies" on a note pad before we left the house. I know that's crazy, but I wasn't taking any chances!

I was supposed to empty my bladder at 10:15am and then drink 16-20 oz of water so I had a full bladder for the ultrasound guided transfer. However, we would be on the road at 10:15, so we stopped at McDonald's at 9:30 to get breakfast and let me go to the bathroom one last time. Since retrieval, having a full bladder had been pretty painful. I wasn't looking forward to the long car ride with a full bladder.

So after our little pit stop, we were off to Dr. Larry King's office and I sipped on all that water. We arrived and were soon taken back to Procedure Room #2. The nurse talked to us for a few minutes and explained that the lab was running a little late this morning, so we were in no hurry to get me undressed just yet.

She left and Hubby and I texted all our family and friends letting them know we'd made it OK and were almost ready for GO TIME. Hubby went to the bathroom, and the nurse came in, asked if I was ready to pee my pants yet (which, surprisingly, I wasn't) and said that they were finally ready for me to get on the table. I got undressed and was in the middle of getting on the table when Hubby emerged from the bathroom and was surprised to find out it was GO TIME. "The nurse came back in?" he asked. Apparently you can't hear anything over the bathroom fan...

Dr. Larry King came into the room. He gave me a full written report on our Little 7. As of that time, we had:

One 8-celled
Two 10-celled
One early morula
One late morula
One early blastocyst
One grade 1 full blastocyst

He explained that they use blastocysts for a 5-day transfer, so we had either 1 or 2 to choose from. He said the 8-celled, 10-celled, and early morula were too far behind and were showing signs of slowing or no growth. That was kind of a shock given that they were growing "great guns" on Sunday. What had happened since then? He said that they'd let them grow a few more days to see if the late morula turns into a blastocyst that could be frozen, but he wasn't sure if that was going to happen or not.

He went on to say that the real decision that morning was to decide whether to transfer 1 or 2 blasts that day. He said if we had a whole bunch to freeze, he might recommend to be cautious and only transfer one. He explained if we transfer 2, our chances of twins greatly increase and with that are increased health risks for me and the babies. I just didn't know what to say. I had leaned towards transferring several up to this point. I looked at Hubby and he looked at me. He looked at Dr. Larry King and asked him, "If this were you Doc, what would you do?" The Doc said he'd transfer 2. That was our answer. It was clear. It wasn't even stressful. Hubby and I both said OK and the Doc had me initial beside his big #2 on the paper. He said he was glad that we picked 2 so he could remember what procedure room he was in. I really like that I can joke with my Doc. Losing a sense of humor at this point just isn't helpful! As he left the room to deliver the paperwork, he said we'd get going with this, we could have our twins, and everyone would be happy. When he left, I told Hubby that I was sad only the 2 had made it after such good reports, but it seemed like we got our answer for number to transfer without much effort.

Several minutes later, Dr. Larry King and an assisting Doc that I'd seen before came in to perform the transfer. As they were setting up, putting in the speculum, and finding my bladder on the ultrasound, a woman I'd not seen before came in, asked me to verify my name, date of birth, and number of embryos requested. After handing something to the Doc, she left.

I had the embryologist babysitter next door, Hubby's Doc down the rad, Hubby standing to my left, assisting Doc to my bottom left, and Dr. Larry King at the foot of the table. Is this a totally inappropriate joke? How many men does it take to get me pregnant? Apparently, five....

Assisting Doc had some trouble getting a clear pic on the ulstrasound screen because everything shifted once the speculum was inserted. He showed me where my bladder, uterus, and still-large ovaries were. He asked if I saw a little flash of light at the bottom of the screen. I didn't. I asked what it was. He said that was the embryos. I didn't see it. And before I knew it, it was over.

They had me lay on the table for almost 20 minutes before I was able to get up to empty my bladder and get dressed. The nurse came in to check on me one last time and I asked about continuing to take my Allegra D and Metformin. She directed me to continue taking both since they were safe during pregnancy. We gathered our stuff and she walked us out, saying that she had a good feeling about this one. Even though I knew it didn't work like that, I wanted to cross my legs and walk out as gingerly as possible.

I laid down in the car on the way home and called Hubby's parents and my Mom. I texted our friends letting them know that "2 are in!" I lounged on our couch the rest of the day, per Dr's orders. A friend brought me some hot chocolate. Hubby cooked dinner. I didn't do anything.

I felt defeated that it wasn't, "Go Little 7" anymore. It's now, "Go Little 2." Hang on Little 2.

Day 4 Update

2011-05-25T20:35:00.000-04:00

Day 4 update doesn't exist, as I found out on Day 4.... haha

It was Monday, May 23rd and I didn't receive a call from our embryologist babysitter. I was very busy at work trying to get ready to be out for several days and then a long holiday weekend, so I got around to calling the the lab around 2pm. I explained who I was and that I was scheduled for a 5-day transfer tomorrow and was wondering if there was an update today on my Little 7.

The woman on the phone explained that when there is a 5-day transfer, they leave the little embryos alone on day 4. They don't get them out and look at them or even bother them that day. They just leave them to grow. She went on the explain that they'd get them all out and go over them thoroughly the next morning to give a final report on each one of them to the Doctor.

OK, that made sense. I would accept that.

I thanked her for the info and hung up.

OK, Little 7. So I don't get an update on you today. I'll leave you alone. Just hang on!

Little Fighters Beating the Odds

2011-05-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, May 22nd, I got up and went to church. I direct a monthly production that we do at church in place of formal worship one Sunday per month. Hubby runs all the sound and video for the production as well. This production is a high-energy, fast-paced production geared towards families with children. This Sunday ended up being the Sunday that we were doing our monthly production, so while I didn't feel great, I felt that I needed to be there.

Hubby got up and helped me get washed off (no baths yet) and get dressed for the production. We went through a dress rehearsal and then I sat in the back during the production. I did this for 2 reasons. The first is that normally I sit up front and direct during the show. I just didn't have it in me to be moving around like that early Sunday morning. I was still pretty tender. The second reason is that I was afraid that I'd miss the call from the embryologist babysitter. So, I sat in the back, watched the show, and held my cell phone the entire time. The show had some minor speed bumps....and the babysitter didn't call.

Hubby and I went out to eat after church and for the first time since Thursday, I was HUNGRY! I don't know whether it's because I hadn't eaten much since Thursday or whether the Prednisone that the Doc has me on has finally kicked in. Whatever the reason, I haven't eaten that much in a while. Good thing we were at a Chinese buffet.... Still no phone call from the babysitter.

That afternoon, Hubby and I laid down for a normal Sunday afternoon nap. I made sure that the ringer on my cell phone was turned up so it would wake me up if the embryologist called. I turned over and talked to Hubby for a minute about how the production went that morning and my phone buzzed. I had a voicemail. How could I have a voicemail if it didn't ring? And OF COURSE it was the babysitter. Son of a.....

Hubby and I couldn't figure out why it didn't ring, but jumped to hear the voicemail. My phone acted strange and for several minutes said it failed to download the voicemail. Oh come on already! I even had to reboot my phone. Finally, it allowed me to hear the voicemail and Hubby and I hovered around the phone intently listening. The embryologist reported that all 7 were still looking great and all had made it to 8 cells, which is what they wanted by 3 days post transfer. As of that morning, we had five 8-celled Grade 1 embryos and two 8-celled Grade 2 embryos. He confirmed that my transfer would be Tuesday morning and my Doc's office should be calling me about specific details about it.

Little 7 apparently are fighters - just like their Momma. I felt good about our report. They were beating the odds.

I felt so good that later that day, I went to a friend's baby shower. Aren't you all proud?! Those kinds of things still don't bother me. Besides, I have a good feeling. Maybe it'll be my turn this time around.

Good Problems to Have

2011-05-24T21:24:00.001-04:00

On Saturday, May 21st (2 days post retrieval) our babysitter embryologist called at 10:15am with our daily update. I'm still so happy they call so early in the morning so I don't worry all day. It would drive my Type A side absolutely nuts. He reported to me that all 7 little embryos were still growing and dividing as they should.

I got a lesson on the growth of embryos from our babysitter at this point about how they are graded. They are each given a grade ("very subjectively" he said) from 1-5. He looks for abnormal dividing and spots in the cells to determine the grading. The more uniform they are, the more they divide, and the clearer they are, thee higher the grade. He said 1s and 2s are really good. 4s and 5s are not so good. He said to put it in terms I could understand, he has a lot more success making babies from 1s and 2s than 4s and 5s. OK, I get that.

Then he went on to update me on the status of our actual embryos. At that point, we had:

2 two-celled grade 2 embryos
1 three-celled grade 1 embryo
4 four-celled grade 1 embryos

Was I hearing this right? We had good news again today?

He said that we have a wonderful problem. Usually by this point in time, he can pick out several that are stronger than the others to use for a 3-day transfer. However, because ours are all going strong, he is having trouble deciding. He said they should have all divided at least once by today, which several of them have done more than once. He said they're all grades 1 and 2, which are similar. His recommendation, with my blessing, was to move transfer to a Day 5 (Tuesday) transfer. By then, he hoped he'd have a clearer understanding of which ones to use.

By all means, if that meant a better chance at success, let's do a 5-day! So, once again in this process, we were pushing dates further back, but it was for another good cause. Keep on growing little 7!

Babysitter Update #1

2011-05-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

On the morning of Friday, May 20th, I got a phone call from our embryologist babysitter at 9:15am. He called to say that out of the 10 eggs that were retrieved, 9 of them were mature and able to be fertilized yesterday afternoon. Out of those, 7 were still growing on Friday morning. He said that they looked good and tentatively, we'd have embryo transfer on Sunday morning. I thanked him for the news and he said he'd call me again on Saturday with another update.

It's nice that they do that, isn't it? For once I didn't have to wonder all day what was going on.

I was conflicted on how to feel. On one hand, I was ecstatic that we had 7 growing since we only had 3 big enough for retrieval several days earlier with many more lagging behind. Those darned shots and the extra vials of Bravelle in the evening did the trick and helped some of the straggling eggs mature! On the other hand, I was nervous that we started with 9 and had already lost 2. If this continues, we may not end up with many to choose from/freeze when it comes time for transfer. I hoped these little 7 could hold on.

At 4:45pm, I set my phone down long enough to hobble to the bathroom and don't you know that's when my Doc's office called about transfer. The IVF nurse left a voicemail saying that that I was set for transfer on Sunday (3-day transfer) at 8:30am and to give her a call back confirming that I got the message. I did as soon as I returned to my phone, but of course got her voicemail. Tag, you're it, Nurse Lady.

Hold on Little 7! Hold on!

Egg Hunting in Oz

2011-05-23T22:51:00.001-04:00

Hubby and I left for the Doc's office on Thursday, May 19th at 7:15am. I was very nervous and anxious about the whole retrieval process. I had read where several fellow IVF'ers had real pain and horrible experiences with retrieval. Then, the heavens opened up. Meet my newfound friend:

At 8am, in the car, the directions from the Doc were to take a little pill called Xanax (see above). About 20 minutes later, I felt a distinct wave of calm come over me. I looked at Hubby and giggled. I didn't know why. I was still anxious....I just didn't really care. He looked at me and asked me what was wrong with me because he was very aware that just a few minutes ago, I was entirely stressed. I told him I thought that this Xanax stuff was something worth looking into...and then giggled again.

We arrived at the cryogenics lab first where we had to show picture identification and sign papers to permit thawing of Hubby's sperm. I asked if we needed to direct them to re-freeze once we were finished and they assured me that, since we have a total of 9 vials of sperm, we shouldn't need to re-freeze. NINE?! I had no idea. Way to go Hubby!

Then we headed next door to my Doc's office where we were led back to the procedure room. The IVF nurse started asking me questions and I had to stop and think about my answers. I apologized to her, explaining that the Xanax was having quite the effect on me. She laughed and said it was working. She gave me a shot of Dilaudid in my hip and had me go to the bathroom one last time, take off my clothes from the waist down, and assume the position on the table. I perused a magazine and jabbered at Hubby for a few minutes.

Soon, the Dr doing the retrieval came in and introduced herself to me. I explained that while I'd never seen her, I had already heard good things about her. A friend of mine had come to this same office for numerous miscarriages and she was the Doc that she had seen. She very quickly went to work numbing me. She asked me to cough as she inserted the numbing needles, and ladies, let me tell you, this works. Don't do a little wimpy cough. Bring up a lung if you have to. I didn't feel the needles at all.

At this point in time, a little window in the wall opened and an embryologist from the lab next door introduced himself as our first babysitter. I felt a little like I was in Oz as people from weird places began talking to me. Was the Dilaudid THAT strong?

Next, the Doc brought up the ultrasound images. She began talking and we both intently watched the screen. She asked if she should just do her work or if we wanted to know what was going on and we both were adamant that we wanted her to continue explaining the process.

We could see the needle puncturing each little black circle that was a follicle. After that, each circle got smaller as she took the fluid from each. There was a tube coming from her instrument that put the fluid into a test tube. As the test tubes got full, they were handed through the window to the embryologist. They showed us the 1st test tube to be passed through and pointed out the little white flecks of flesh in it stating that there were probably eggs in it.

As the Doc continued her work, the man on the other side of the window kept stating numbers. Finally I asked what he was doing and the Doc looked at me and said, "He's counting your eggs." OH! Well, by all means, count away! I had no idea they'd be able to do that while I'm still on the table.

The Doc switched sides and began retrieving from the other ovary. By this time I was getting a bit uncomfortable as I could begin to feel some of what she was doing, but I didn't dare show it. She said that because I was doing so well, she was going to go ahead and retrieve everything that she could on that other side even though some were a little smaller. She said if I was in too much pain that she'd stop, but I insisted that she go on. I hadn't gone through all this to have her quit before getting every last darned egg! She quickly finished retrieving all that she could and they closed the little window with the embryologist's last count at 8, even though he wasn't done counting. The nurse promised that she'd get a final count for me before we left and let me lay down for a few minutes. Hubby just kissed me and told me how brave I was and how well I'd done. That was so nice to hear.

The nurse came in every few minutes and raised the table until I was sitting upright. I felt a little funny. I kept holding my arms up and putting them back down - almost like I was restless and I didn't know what to do with them. It was a strange feeling. Upon sitting me up, the nurse asked Hubby to get me dressed and she'd be in to do the final paperwork with me for the day. I was really starting to hurt by this point. (Let me tell you that the written directions from the Doc's office say that I would receive a sedative, a narcotic and local anesthetic for minor discomfort that day.) Just as I tried to stand up from the table, my whole body went limp. I don't mean a little. I couldn't stand, hold my head up, open my eyes, or even hear very well. Hubby caught me off the table and had to put me in a chair across the room. I propped my head up on the table while Hubby tried to put my pants on me. The nurse came in, looked at me, and immediately said, "Whoa!" Apparently I had no lips I was so white. They put me in a wheelchair, wheeled me down the hall and laid me down in an exam room while I regained some color.

About 15 minutes later, the nurse came in, told me that our final egg count was 10, and sat me up for a 2nd time. TEN! This time I was able to walk and hold my head up and carry on like a normal human being. It was much better this 2nd time. The nurse told Hubby to stop on the way home and get me some Sprite. I was awake for a God-awful 20 minutes in the car as I writhed in pain before finally falling asleep. I slept most of the rest of the day because it meant that I didn't know I was in pain.

Pull the Trigger

2011-05-20T21:15:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, May 17th was trigger shot day. The directions from the Doc said that Hubby needed to inject the contents of the entire bottle - which was not much, by the way - in my rear at exactly 10pm. I had inspected the needle when it arrived several weeks earlier and that sucker was long and thick...and in this case, size DOES matter. I have a friend that works at a tattoo and piercing shop. She said the gauge of needle for my trigger shot is the same gauge with which they use to pierce people. Oh great! I'm getting my butt pierced. Like this process hasn't been crazy enough!

Directions from the Doc also said to get the Novarel out of the fridge about 30 minutes early to bring it to room temp, which would help decrease the pain of the shot. Hubby said that he was not nervous about giving me a shot - he just didn't like hurting me - but he got the directions and read them over several times and kept looking at the clock to make sure we were on time. I think he was nervous and I also think that was cute. He also got a piece of ice for me and we held it on my bum so it would become numb to this atrociously giant looking shot.

At exactly 10pm in our bathroom, I stood pigeon-toed on my left leg and Hubby gave me the trigger shot on the right side. It hurt a bit - enough to take my breath away - but it was over soon enough.

To be honest, I expected a lot more pain, but the ice had done its job. I even questioned Hubby several times to make sure he'd hit the right spot and the needle had gone in all the way. Little did I know that would hurt badly for 3 days afterwards. I even had to ask hubby to look at it the next day to see if it had bruised. While it had not, he said I was definitely swollen on the right side. That's all I need - a shot to make my hind end to look even bigger than it is. It literally felt like I'd been bee-lined with a softball in the toosh. On retrieval day, the IVF nurse said this is a common problem people have due to the Novarel being so concentrated. Apparently, they use the equivalent of 10 doses of medicine in that one little bottle. The proof that it worked?

Now don't get excited. I'm not pregnant. At least not at the time I'm writing this. Directions from the Doc state that I have to take a home pregnancy test at 8am the morning after the trigger shot. Because a trigger shot contains the same hormones as pregnancy, a home pregnancy test should come out positive if the trigger shot was successful. If the trigger shot "took," retrieval will be the next day. Looks like we'd be collecting eggs on Thursday morning!

Last Stims!

2011-05-20T20:33:00.001-04:00

Here is a picture from 6:40am on Tuesday, May 17th. I thought I should take a pic of my last dose of Lupron and Bravelle. Trigger shot tonight!

It was a celebration of sorts. No more shooting myself up! And no more 6:40 AM!

Follow Up Appointment 2

2011-05-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, May 14 we had to be back at the Doc at 7:30am - meaning we had to leave the house in the middle of the night. I went to the lab first to get bloodwork drawn and then headed a few doors down to my Doc's office. Dr. Larry King got out his magic internal ultrasound wand and showed Hubby and I that I had 5 follicles growing on track on the right side and 1 on the left.

What happened to the 9 that he said I had a few days ago? Why had they slowed in growing? A slight internal panic occurred.

I think my Doc could read my thoughts because he very quickly said that 6 is fine, but he's just greedy and would like more. He said to stay on 5 units of Lupron and 1 vial of Bravelle in the mornings, but to up my evening dose to 3 vials of Bravelle instead of 2. I guess we were going to jump start some of the ones lolligagging? Follicles, start your engines.....

I left feeling a bit like my bubble had been busted since I had such a good first follow up appointment. But I realized that all was not lost once I had a chance to regroup in the car on the ride home. We were scheduled to go back on Monday, May 16th for a follow up to see how my follicles would do with the extra Bravelle. If calculations are correct, that puts retrieval to at least Wednesday. I was sad that it wasn't going to be Tuesday, but Hubby was quick to point out that I'm still right on schedule according to the calendar that was given to me in April. Darn him for being so calm and level headed. He's right....again.

Seeing Double

2011-05-18T10:34:00.000-04:00

As we were leaving Dr. Larry King's office on Saturday morning, I noticed that there are an awful lot of pics of multiples hanging on their walls, even though their literature explains that they do what they can to reduce the risk of multiples. I found out throughout the weekend that twins were definitely a theme. Could it be that I was getting a signal? Maybe. Could it be that I'm a selfish, greedy infertile that wants several healthy children on the 1st go round so we can be done with this? Yep! Whatever the case, it was hard not to trip over twins this weekend.

1. My dear cousin had a beautiful baby girl On Friday in the wee hours of the morning. We went up to see the new little darling on Friday night and the woman in the room next to my cousin had twins. OK, maybe this was a funny coincidence. I was in the maternity ward and it was practically full. Chances are there might be twins someplace in there. I'll chalk that one up to chance.

2. Hubby and I DVR every TV show that we like throughout the week and spend some time on the couch together being lazy watching them on the weekend. One of our favorite shows is Rules of Engagement. If you don't know about this show, you need to. It's about a single womanizing man, a newlywed couple, and a couple that's been together a while that's going through infertility treatments (we weren't when we began watching - that IS a coincidence). I told Hubby that twins had been on my mind and then hit play on the show. The episode that we watched that Saturday was about the married couple finding out that their surrogate is possibly carrying twins. Hubby and I just kind of looked at each other and laughed. OK, the twin thing has come up twice in 24 hours now - and it was right after I told Hubby that twins were on my mind. Strange....

3. The kicker happened on Sunday (Mother's Day). We took my Mom out to eat for Mother's Day after church. We had to stand in line for quite a while to get into the restaurant. And what do you think ends up in line behind us? The most adorable set of blond-haired, blue-eyed 2 1/2 year old twin girls. I spotted them, pointed them out to Hubby and his response, while laughing, was, "Well of course there are twins behind us. What else would you expect right now?" The little girls played and laughed and brought such joy to their family. OK, this is more than a coincidence....

4. On Monday morning, I went to work to have a co-worker tell me that she had a dream about me the night before. I was almost afraid to ask. What was the dream about? I ended up having multiples and brought them to work, where chaos ensued. Now even other people are dreaming about it? You've got to be kidding me.

Dear God.
I get it. I'm fully on board. Bring 'em on, please.
Love, Me

1st Follow Up Appointment

2011-05-17T23:48:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, May 11th was my 1st appointment with Dr. Larry King since beginning stimulant shots of Bravelle on Saturday. The point of these appointments is to see if my estrogen levels and follicles are responding to the Bravelle shots.

We had to be at the Dr. office, which is more than an hour away, at the absolute crack of dawn. If you read my previous post, you know that I already got up once and inadvertently took care of giving myself my morning shots a few hours early....

After getting my blood drawn, we headed a few doors down to see my Doc. He used the internal ultrasound machine to announce to Hubby and I that I have 5 follicles growing well on the right and 4 on the left. Dr. Larry King said that I'm responding well to the medicine and he hopes that another few follicles come along to make a total of 10.

Later that day, the IVF nurse called with my bloodwork results and recommendations from my Doc. She said that they are testing my estrogen level to see if it's reached at least 50. She said that it's not uncommon to see 100. Mine was at 213. I told a friend and she called me an overachiever. If you've read my blog since the beginning, you know I have a Type A Personality in me just screaming to get out.

Dr. Larry King recommended that I have another appointment for bloodwork and ultrasound on Saturday morning. If things continue the way they are right now, he thinks retrieval may be Tuesday morning.

Follow Up Appointment 3

2011-05-16T22:35:00.001-04:00

On Monday, May 15th, Hubby and I went for my 3rd follow up appointment. I had my blood drawn first and then went to my Doc's office for the ulstrasound.

On this visit, I had a different Doc because my Doc was not in. (Dr. Larry King told me this was going to happen. I was prepared for the switch, so I was OK with it.) During the ultrasound, he pointed out that I definitely have 3 follicles big enough to retrieve now. However, I have 6-7 more that are almost ready. He explained there is a fine line between waiting long enough to give those 6-7 enough time to grow a bit bigger and not waiting too long so the Big 3 would get too big or damaged. He said we'd need to wait to see what my bloodwork said and then go from there. He said he thought trigger shot would occur Tuesday or even possible Wednesday. That's another day later than the plan...

Even though the plan was getting stretched a bit, I was OK with it this time. There was good reason to see if we could do another day or 2 of stims in order for the others to grow.

I got the phone call later that afternoon from the IVF Nurse regarding my bloodwork. She said that estrogen above 500 and at least 3 large follicles signifies that I am ready for retrieval. My estrogen level was 1,102 and I had the Big 3. So technically, I was ready. However, they were going to have me do stims one more day to see if we could get a few more laggers to catch up. Trigger shot Tuesday night.

I've had everybody under the sun praying for those 6-7 to catch up. I was having cramps and I was happy about it. Yet another piece of evidence that I've lost my mind....

Proof That I've Lost My Mind

2011-05-16T20:04:00.000-04:00

So, I had the alarm set on my cell phone for 6:40am and 6:40pm for my Lupron and Bravelle shots every day. I was pretty diligent about trying to do my shots as close to 12 hours apart as possible. It had become so routine in the mornings that I rolled over, turned off my alarm and stumbled to the bathroom without even really opening my eyes. As I've stated before, I'm NOT a morning person.

On the morning of Wednesday, May 11th, I had my first follow up appointment since beginning the stim shots. I was nervous and anxious about it when I went to bed the night before. I even said an extra prayer that my little follies were growing well and we'd have a good report from Dr. Larry King. Between being nervous and eating some chocolate before sleep, what was about to happen will be the proof that I have lost it...

My alarm went off, and out of habit, I reached over, turned it off, and found my way to the bathroom. I loaded up my 5 units of Lupron and my 1 ml of Bravelle and gave myself the shots. I made my way back to the bedroom and sat on the bed to set my alarm for another half hour of sleep before I had to get up and get ready to go to see the Doc. When I turned on my phone, it said 2:41am. What?! That couldn't be right. I just turned off my 6:40am alarm not more than 5 minutes ago. I mean, my cell phone has been acting wacky lately, but that was way off.

At this point, I was so confused that I had to see another clock. I woke up Hubby and asked to see his phone. He thought I was crazy. Wouldn't you, if someone woke you up in the middle of the night and asked to see your phone? I explained that I thought my alarm had gone off and I had given myself my shots. He confirmed that it was in fact 2:41am and I must've been dreaming about my alarm going off. I really did give myself my shots though. Luckily, the directions for the stim shots say that 12 hour intervals are best, but 8-16 hour intervals are acceptable. Luckily, 2:40am is right at the 8-hour interval since my 6:40pm evening shot.

Not only am I giving myself all kinds of shots all hours of the day, but now I'm dreaming about it too. Ladies, be sure you're not dreaming when you get into the habit of stumbling to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning. And while many friends have thought I am crazy, this little incident, if they knew, would be the proof that they'd need that I have, in fact, lost my mind. It'll just be our little secret.

1st Stim Shot

2011-05-15T15:01:00.001-04:00

On Saturday, May 7th, I had to add this little mess to my morning routine. Add another vial to this cocktail for my evening shots. 6:40am AND 6:40pm shoot ups!

Grow follies, grow!

All Quiet On the Ovary Front

2011-05-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

My baseline appointment for ICSI was on Friday, May 6th. I arrived at the lab at 8:30am for a blood test. Right afterwards, I went several doors down to my Doc's office. After waiting just a few minutes, they took me back to the same room where I had previously met the internal ultrasound machine. The nurse asked me to get undressed from the waist down. Luckily, I once again got to cover up with the stylish paper blanket left folded neatly on the table. Pretty soon Dr. Larry King came in and the fun began. The doctor asked Hubby to turn off the lights and come stand by the table so he could see the monitor. He looked at my right ovary and then moved it to my left one, stopping to look at my uterus in the middle. You know, like stopping for coffee on the way to work. He stated that my uterine lining looked extremely thin and my ovaries looked "quiet." Both of these, apparently, are very good. I still feel kinda lost every time I go in. They tell me things and I have to ask whether it's good or not. Quiet ovaries means there's nothing going on, which is what they want before beginning stimulants. And they also want the uterine lining thin because that signifies nothing's going on. All quiet on the ovary front. I told the Doc that this was the first time in my life I've been called quiet. He laughed and said that as long as my bloodwork came back OK, I'd begin stimulants the next day and he'd see us the following Wednesday.

That afternoon, I received a phone call from the IVF nurse. She called to let me know that my estrogen level was excellent in the blood draw earlier that day. She said that they wanted the Lupron I'd been on to make my estrogen level to be at 50 or below. Mine was at 25. I was responding extremely well to the medicine and needed to decrease to 5 units of Lupron each morning and begin stimulant shots the next day as planned with 1 vial of Bravelle in the morning and 2 vials in the evening. Finally, something is going right. Hallelujah! She reminded me to begin filling out the daily drug chart and also to bring the Novarel to my next appointment (along with a cooler since it has to be chilled and I live far enough away that it would matter) in case they wanted to go ahead and mix it. Good news!

This process is getting real real quick! When she started talking about the trigger shot on the phone....wow. I'm happy that things are moving along in a great direction.

Is It Me Or Is It HOT In Here?

2011-05-10T22:20:00.000-04:00

Since beginning Lupron shots, I've noticed that my only real side effect is hot flashes. And let me tell you, these are not the kind of Southern Belle, "I'm glistening" occurances. These are the raging hormonal, "I'm gonna sweat off a few pounds in a few minutes" kind of hot flashes. Unfortunately, it's not hot outside yet, so everyone can view and form an opinion about my flushed cheeks, splotchy neck, and bright red ears. No, I didn't just finish a run. No, I am not embarassed. I'm going through a temporary menopause, thank you very much.

My first major hot flash happened on Easter Sunday. Since I am the lead singer in our praise band and attendance at church is usually high on Easter Sunday, I got up a little early to make sure I looked nice that day. I ironed my dress pants and a nice silk blouse. I put on the panty hose, dress clothes, and heels and left the house. I only live about 3 minutes from my church. On the way there, I noticed that I got a little hot. Now, I must admit, that my body temp usually runs a little hot. I sweat pretty easily in the summer. So, I turned on the A/C in the car full blast and enjoyed the 3 minutes with all the fans on me. I rushed into the church where Hubby and the rest of the band were waiting on me and realized that I was soaked. My nice silk top was wet in the back and my long hair that I had just spent time curling was not only flat, but sticking to my neck. UGH. EW. I realized at this point that only after 2 days on Lupron, the pharmacist really wasn't joking about the hot flashes.

The next day I had a Program Committee Meeting at work. My face and ears became so red during the meeting that my Board President asked me if I was OK and began to fan me with a folder. How am I supposed to make critical decisions about my job when I'm 400 degrees?

Several nights later, I woke up at 4am. I had to get up and change my shirt because the entire back of it was soaked. How did I sweat that much, not know it, and not even move? If it weren't so gross, I'd be impressed with myself!

In the days since, I have found that holding very still helps. Is that strange? I still get hot, but I don't turn into a complete meltdown.

One day, I had what I thought was a bright idea. I felt a hot flash coming on and thought, "If I'm going to get all hot and sweaty, I might as well have a good reason." So, I got on my elliptical machine and did about 20 minutes worth of exercise. This was, in fact, NOT a bright idea. I got way too hot. Then I just felt sick the rest of the day. Don't do this to yourself ladies. Learn from my mistakes. From now on, if I feel a hot flash coming on, I'm just going to sit still. No more trying to help it out.

Wearing My Big Girl Pants

2011-05-08T15:48:00.001-04:00

Friday, April 22nd, Good Friday, was my 1st scheduled shot of Lupron. I finally had the goods, I just had to use them now! I was rather hesitant on giving myself a shot. I had never done that before and just thinking about it made me squirm a little. My friends kept telling me that I am a tough cookie and I could do it. I didn't tell them, but they obviously had more faith in me than I did. I really wasn't sure about this whole shot thing.

The directions from my Doc say that I have to take the medicine at a time each day that is consistent. Also, I have to take it at a time when it will have been in my body for at least an hour before my earliest appointment with them, which is 8am. It takes us a little more than an hour to get to my Doc's office, so we figured I should aim to set my alarm for 6:40 each morning. (If you've been following my blog, you know that at one point, I got up at 6:30am everyday to take my temp and was more than happy to not have to do that anymore. Well, that joy is gone! Now I have to get up that early and shoot myself up - something that I could screw up and it would really matter if I did. I think I'd rather be taking my temp that early in the morning! At least I wouldn't be hurting myself.)

On Good Friday, my alarm went off at 6:40am and for a minute I couldn't figure out why it was going off so early. (You have to remember, I go to work sometime between 10am and 11am each day because I work later in the evening. The 6:40am alarm is definitely going to become an intermission to my night.) I got up and got Hubby up too. He agreed to get up with me if I needed him since I'd never done the whole shot thing before. If anything, I needed the moral support. This was huge for Hubby - he's even less of a morning person than I am. We both stumbled to the bathroom where we got out the syringe and Lupron. I also got out the picture directions, and let me tell you, those are the only things that have gotten me through these early morning shots. Trying to discern written directions at that hour is just not happening. I feel like a dummy, but the pics are so much more helpful at that hour of the day!

I swabbed the top of the Lupron bottle and drew out the 10 units. I cleaned a spot near my belly button with an alcohol swab, took a deep breath, and looked at Hubby. I must've looked pretty unsure of myself because he reassured me that I could do it. He counted to 3 and I jabbed myself.

At that point, I had one of those, "Now what do I do?" moments. I looked at Hubby and he said, "Go ahead." I looked down and there was a needle in my belly. Did I really do that? I pushed the plunger down and it was done. I did it? I did it! WHEW! It stung just a tiny bit, but was not nearly as painful as I had expected. As I was throwing away my trash, I realized that I was sweating from giving myself the shot. Little did I know that this would soon become the norm - not from giving myself the shot, but from hot flashes from the Lupron.

So, there it was. I could give myself a shot. I was braver than I thought. I knew what had to be done and put on (or should I say pulled down) my big girls pants, sucked it up, and dealt with it. Good Friday was turning out to be a good one afterall!

I Got the Goods!

2011-05-07T11:46:00.001-04:00

On Tuesday, April 19th, all my drugs finally arrived and I could quit sweating that they might not be here by Friday. You're seeing Lupron, Bravelle, Novarel, Progesterone in Oil, Minocycline, Ondansetron, and lots of needles, alcohol swabs, and syringes.

Laid out like this, it's a bit much. I don't know whether to take them all or sell them to have enough cash to buy a baby on the black market! HAHA! Let the fun begin!

Five Hail Marys for Drug Dealers!

2011-05-06T23:15:00.000-04:00

On Thurs., April 14th, I called BackOrderScrip, since the woman from the night before hadn't called me back. Thanks for that! I asked if there was any Lupron to be had and they said no. I was going to have to take matters into my own hands and find the stuff myself. I called JerkDrugs, explained that I was having trouble getting ahold of the Lupron and asked if they had any. I felt like a junkie calling my dealer. You got any of the good stuff on hand? I need it. They said that they did, but they'd only fill it if they had my entire order and I had to tell them by the end of the day. I didn't like the attitude, but I was willing to ask my insurance company. I mean, I needed the goods. I told them I'd get back to them to let them know.

Did I mention that I was having all of these crazy phone calls while I was at an expo representing the ministry where I work? I was standing at the table answering questions about our upcoming fundraisers and trying to track down some Lupron on the phone. Yes, that's right, as I shake hands with Mr. Spectator, we're a United Way Agency that serves our entire county....and then as he walks away I make another phone call. I need Lupron in 8 days, you fools! All in a days work.....

I called Mary, while at the expo, and explained to her what was going on. She said that she'd try to figure out a solution with a pharmacy in network and get back to me. She called me back several hours later and explained that the reason BackOrderScrip was having trouble filling the quantities of some drugs on the order is that JerkDrugs had already tried to fill it and put it through the system. The nerve! She asked for me to fax her a copy of my original drug order so she could get it all straightened out. God bless Mary! I'm sure God's heard that before somewhere...

On the morning of Fri., April 15th, I had a rapid series of calls. BackOrderScrip called and asked if they could schedule delivery of my drugs. I asked if Lupron was still on backorder and they said that it was. I told them that they needed to hold off. No sooner had I hung up, I got a phone call from yet another pharmacy. We'll call this one Barron Drugs because that's their real name and I'm saying positive things about them. The pharmacist said that he was going to fill a couple drugs - including Lupron - for me, explained what each one was and possible side effects. He promised my drugs would arrive on Mon. That's 4 days prior to starting shots. I'd take it.

I immediately got off the phone and called Mary. I told her that Barron Drugs had called me about filling the drugs on backorder. She said that all the other drugs could be filled through BackOrderScrip and it looked like things were a "go". So I called BackOrderScrip and told them to fill the rest of the order. They were to arrive on Tues., April 19th.

Looked like I was going to get my fix afterall....

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-05-05T23:58:00.003-04:00

I got an award! Thanks to lostintranslation for awarding me with it! You should definitely go check out her blog that outlines her struggles to have a 2nd child through IVF.

With blog awards come rules, so here they are:

A) Grab the award: Done!

B) Link back to the person who gave it to you: Done!

C) Share 10 things about yourself: (You're getting 14, consider yourself blessed!)

1. I owned a coffee shop and I hate coffee.
2. When I was in high school, I tried to see how many boyfriends I could have at the same time.
3. I want to learn to play the violin and go to Hawaii before I die. I have also thought I may open my own dancing studio.
4. I used to play the clarinet, flute, and piano. I can still play the piano a little.
5. I love to garden. I feel like it's the project God and I work on together every summer.
6. I did all my homework and got straight A's (I was obsessed) till I met Hubby in college. I returned to the straight A obsession in grad school.
7. I am like a small child when I visit the zoo or anywhere else with animals. I squeal and run from exhibit to exhibit and I don't even know I'm doing it.
8. I'm 5'2". Most of the time, I feel like a really small person trapped in a big person's world. Pants that are labeled "short" or "petite" are still too long for me. My feet don't touch the floor if I sit all the way to the back of couches or chairs. I have to put my seat dangerously close to the steering wheel in my car in order to be able to put the clutch all the way down.
9. I have two tattoos--one on the bottom of each of my feet. They are of Icthus, the Christ fish symbol. They are a reminder that I walk with God--or at least I try to.
10. I have a dog, Laney, and two cats, Moose and Delilah. I didn't know that I was a cat person till I got the dog.
11. I love snow says--especially the kind where there's like a foot or more so you know you have to stay home and the whole town is shut down. I'll get up in the middle of the night to see if it's started snowing yet. I even do a little snow dance if it has.
12. I may go after a Doctorate--Or I may get my principal and superintendent licensure.
13. I love to sing. I worry too much about what others think of it, though.
14. I used to want to be an OB/GYN. I had a baby die in my arms of SIDS right before I was ready to go to college and I changed my mind. I couldn't handle that as part of my daily life.

D) Award 15 recently discovered blogs: (You're getting 22 of my faves. Deal with it. You should follow them too.)
1. Singular Desire
2. Baby on My Mind
3. Palm Trees & Rainy Days
4. Married......With Endo
5. My Hormonacoaster
6. Someday
7. Our Infertility Journey
8. A Nuttier Life
9. My Violet Thoughts
10. InfertiliTEE
11. Storm in MY Tea CuP
12. MissConception
13. An Unwanted Path
14. Tippy & Tidy's Tumultuous Trip to Toddlers
15. Diary of Taking Small Steps Toward Baby Steps
16. Lissie's Luck
17. Banking On It
18. Not Exactly What I Had Planned
19. Fearlessly Infertile
20. The Hardest Quest
21. Waiting on Our Miracle
22. Glitter and Rainbows

E) let them know you awarded them: Done!

Needin' a Fix

2011-05-03T12:31:00.000-04:00

On the way home from getting my calendar on Friday, April 8th, I was still holding my precious calendar when I received a call from a pharmacy, we'll call them JerkDrugs, that had received the drug order from my Dr. Larry King. Wow! That was quick! After some pleasant conversation, JerkDrugs informed me that I'd have a $1,000 co-pay for my drugs. WHAT?! I'd just gotten word that $4,800 of injectible meds would be covered each year by insurance. Nowhere did they mention a $1,000 co-pay. I think the woman on the other end of the phone heard the ~~breakdown~~ slight panic in my voice and this is where her conversation became a bit cryptic. She said that I needed to call "Mary" at my insurance company and that I might have to use the "other company." I asked her what she meant and she said that's all the info she had. Strange...

Of course this call happened at 4:55pm and by the time I managed to hang up and call Mary, it was 5pm on Friday and she was gone. I'd call first thing on Monday morning. Afterall, I didn't need the drugs for 2 more weeks...Here's where I should have panicked.

So, on Monday morning, I called Mary. She was so happy that I had called and said that there had been a fight going on about me last week and I didn't even know it and she had no way of getting ahold of me. She explained that my drug order had been submitted to JerkDrugs, and unfortunately they are not a pharmacy in my network. JerkDrugs' owner had called Mary and demanded that she waive the $1,000 co-pay. Mary said that she couldn't do that if there were other pharmacies in network who could fill it - which there were. Mary was going to try to contact me about submitting the drug order to a pharmacy in network to save me some cash, but had an out-of-service number for me. JerkDrugs had my contact info, but wouldn't give it to her. Isn't that cute? Mary gave me the contact info for another pharmacy, we'll call this one BackOrderScrip, who is in my network. Are you seeing where we're going with this one? I quickly submitted this info to my Doc. It was now 11 days till I needed to take my 1st shot. I still wasn't worried. I should have been....

On Wed., April 13th, I got a phone call at 5:50pm from BackOrderScrip. Of course this was right as I was trying to get 32 kids on the vans to be transported home. You know, a quiet, relaxing time of day. The man on the phone, who I could barely understand because of the loud children on my end and the accent on his, said a couple drugs were on backorder, but they'd be out to me soon. He also said they were having trouble filling the rest of the order in the quantity listed and he'd call me within a couple of days to schedule delivery. Again, strange... I jotted down this info and quickly got off the phone to escort my 32 little darlings to the vans. Later, I sat down at my desk and looked at the note I'd scribbled. It said that Lupron, the drug that I needed first, was one of the drugs that was on backorder. I thought I'd better call back and make sure my note was correct and find out when it'd be in. Here's where the panic should've set in.

I called BackOrderScrip and found out Lupron was on backorder. I asked what that meant and she stated the pharmaceutical company hadn't made enough to keep up with the demand. Thanks for that, Captain Obvious. What does that mean for me? I informed her that unless I had the Lupron, I didn't need the rest of the drug order. She said she would see if any of their pharmacies had any and would call me back by the next day.

She didn't.

We were now 9 days away from me needing this drug. I came home and lost it. I mean, I bawled like a small child. We've gotten this far in the process and now there's no drug for me to take?! You've got to be kidding me.

1st Drug of Many

2011-05-03T00:42:00.001-04:00

Here is a pic of the 1st drug I had to take in this process on Saturday, April 9th.

Without further ado, I present.....Doxycycline!

May Calendar

2011-05-01T17:12:00.001-04:00

Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat
1 May Expect Period AM- 10 units Lupron	2 Expect Period AM- 10 units Lupron	3 Expect Period AM- 10 units Lupron	4 Expect Period AM- 10 units Lupron	5 Expect Period AM- 10 units Lupron	6 AM- 10 units Lupron 8:30am Baseline bloodwork & ultrasound	7 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle PM- 2 vials Bravelle
8 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle PM- 2 vials Bravelle	9 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle PM- 2 vials Bravelle	10 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle PM- 2 vials Bravelle	11 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle 8:00am Bloodwork & Ultrasound PM- 2 vials Bravelle	12 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle PM- 2 vials Bravelle	13 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle Possible Appointment PM- 2 vials Bravelle	14 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle Possible Appointment PM- 2 vials Bravelle
15 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle PM- 2 vials Bravelle	16 AM- 5 units Lupron 1 vial Bravelle Possible Appointment PM- 2 vials Bravelle	17 Possible Appointment	18 Probable Egg Retrieval & Embryo Transfer	19 Probable Egg Retrieval & Embryo Transfer	20 Probable Egg Retrieval & Embryo Transfer	21 Probable Egg Retrieval & Embryo Transfer
22 Probable Egg Retrieval & Embryo Transfer	23 Probable Egg Retrieval & Embryo Transfer	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

April Calendar

2011-05-01T16:47:00.001-04:00

Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat
					1 APRIL	2
3	4	5	6	7 Cycle Day 1	8	9 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill
10 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill	11 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill	12 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill	13 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill	14 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill	15 AM- Doxycycline PM- Doxycycline Birth Control Pill	16 PM- Birth Control Pill
17 PM- Birth Control Pill	18 PM- Birth Control Pill	19 PM- Birth Control Pill	20 PM- Birth Control Pill	21 PM- Birth Control Pill	22 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	23 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill
24 AM -10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	25 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	26 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	27 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	28 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	29 AM - 10 units Lupron PM- Birth Control Pill	30 AM - 10 units Lupron

My Golden Ticket

2011-05-01T16:11:00.000-04:00

Thursday, April 7th, was Cycle Day 1 for me and I was to call my Doc and let them know when that happened. I had not looked forward to a period in almost 4 years and now I was doing nothing but waiting on the darned thing to arrive. I think it knew I was waiting on it to come because I spotted for several days before actually starting. It wanted to mess with me just once more while it could. I called the nurse and let her know and she said she'd have my calendar for me, either Friday or Monday. I was kind of excited to be getting a calendar. We'd waited so long for this process that a calendar meant there was a plan. A real plan! I was excited to have the skeleton of a real plan finally. It meant this was going to happen. And not in some distant time either. It was going to happen soon!

That night after his bath, Hubby noticed that his incision looked a little funny and asked me if I'd come take a look. For lack of a better way to say this, it looked like there was a bit of discolored snot coming from the bottom of it. (In 1997, my father developed staph infection in his sternum after having open heart surgery. He was on IV's and ill at the hospital for almost a year.) There was no way I was going to repeat that awful ordeal with Hubby, so we agreed that he'd call the Doc 1st thing in the morning.

The next day Hubby called and Dr. Mr. Clean said he'd like to see him right away, so we headed to Columbus. I went ahead and called my Doc's office. I figured I'd let them know that we were making the hour+ trip up to Hubby's Doc and if my calendar happened to be ready, I'd go ahead and pick it up and save myself another trip. The nurse said that my calendar was ready and I could go ahead and get it while I was up there. WOW! Now we're moving along!

We traveled to my Doc's office where we met with his nurse who gave me the calendar along with lots of instructions on how to give myself injections and what meds I'd be taking. She handed it all to me in this neat little purple folder that I am to bring with me to all my appointments. She said if I needed anything, I should call her. Otherwise, they'd see me on May 6th for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Good Lord there was a lot of info packed into that 15 minutes! Could I possibly give myself shots? And the even bigger question: Could Hubby, who practically faints at the sight of blood, give me injections?

After knocking around for a couple hours in the big city, we went to Hobby's Doc. Dr. Mr. Clean took a quick look at his incision and let us know that what we were seeing were parts of his green-yellow colored stitches dissolving. Why didn't they tell us there were that color to begin with?! That would have been a helpful little piece of info. After squeezing, stretching, and pinching his very tender incision while Hubby winced and clinched his fists, Dr. Mr. Clean said that Hubby was healing wonderfully and sent us on our way. He stated that if we needed him for anything else, he'd be available. Otherwise, he's see Hubby many years down the road when he needs a prostate exam. Hubby whispered to be on the way out of the building that now he'd officially been man-handled. I could tell, just by the way he was walking that he was in a lot of pain. Poor Hubby.

And we traveled back to our small town more than an hour away. On the car ride home, while Hubby drove, I just looked and looked at all the info in my little purple folder that the nurse gave me. I was just like Charlie and that purple folder was my Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.