Pregnancy I've Never

OK, so we're going to play a little virtual game.  Maybe you've played it before?  It's called, "I've Never."  The rules of the game are simple....I'm going to make an "I've never" statement.  Usually this game is a drinking game, although since I was pregnant when I started this post, we're just going to play on here and pretend.  It's almost like I can taste that Chocolate Martini...  Assuming we were all together enjoying drinks of choice, you have to drink if the statement doesn't apply to you.  Here's an example:

I say, "I've never checked my mailbox."  If you have ever checked your mailbox, you drink!

Ready?

• I've never gagged so hard while brushing my teeth that I puked thus having to start over on brushing my teeth.  (one drink for me!)
• I've never coughed or sneezed in public and peed my pants.  (two drinks for me!)
• I've never told a co-worker to get into my purse to get out a piece of gum and told her to overlook the spare pair of underwear I carry in there just in case I pee myself in public....again (three drinks!)
• I've never gotten up more than 5 times a night to pee.  (four drinks!)
• I've never woken up in the morning with my nightgown crusted to my chest.  (five drinks!)
• I've never had to have someone put my shoes on me because I can't bend over to tie them.  (six drinks!)
• I've never been envious of people who get more ultrasounds than me.  (seven drinks)
• I've never googled images of ultrasounds at each week of pregnancy to see what our baby looks like (eight drinks)
• I've never wondered if there was a way to cheat on a glucose test.  (nine drinks)
• I've never had a former classmate who is now an OB/GYN fill in for my Dr and check to see if I'm dilated (ten drinks!)
• I've never flashed all my friends (male & female) with the back of a hospital gown left open (eleven drinks!)
• I've never stressed about getting my blood pressure taken (twelve drinks!) 
• I've never noticed that my belly button is off center (thirteen drinks!)

And the best for last:

• I've never gotten out of the bathtub, gagged so hard while brushing my teeth that I peed down my clean leg, and had to get back in the bathtub.  (oh hell, I might as well just drink the whole bottle!)

Feel free to play along and add your own!

I Laughed Out Loud

A couple months after we found out that IVF Round #3 worked, I was out with my staff for a meeting over lunch.  My staff and I usually go off-site and talk a little about work and a lot about life during these few cherished moments away from work over lunch.  We had just gotten our lunches and sat down when my newest staff member said that she had an announcement.  She looked up and said that she was pregnant and due Nov 27th-exactly one month after I am due.

All the rest of my staff around the table were very quiet.

Know what I did?  I laughed.  Out loud.  And then I proceeded to blurt out, "How does that happen?  Can you draw me a diagram?"

She knew what I had gone through to get pregnant, and laughed too.  The whole staff did.

Now, mind you, my co-worker is in her late 20s, has a college education, and two jobs.  However, she is not married and just recently began seeing this guy (who we don't think is a great guy).  We came to find out later in the conversation that it happened the night they met-due to a little too much alcohol and too little protection.  She was actually a bit embarrassed telling us, saying that her family had given her such a hard time because she was always giving her nieces and nephews the you-HAVE-to-use-protection talk.

How's that ENTIRE story for irony? 

IVF: 10 Things I Hate About You

I started this post many months ago, before I was fortunate enough to get my BFP.  I started to write this post as a joke.  As most of my posts are, it's only about half a joke, with a dash of tongue-in-cheek truth.

So here is my top 10 list for why I HATE IVF....

10. Insurance Companies.  You do cover certain things and you do not cover other things.  You need pre-approval for certain things.  You take your sweet time getting me answers.  You don't really seem to be concerned about ME, your customer.

9. Specialty Pharmacies (at least the 1 I've had to deal with, per #10).  Your right hand has no idea what your left hand is doing.  You quote me 3 different prices and 3 different delivery dates, only for me to not receive the syringes and needles with which to inject myself.  And never, never, NEVER have you ever been able to to fill an entire order of mine without SOMETHING being on back order.  You should be alleviating stress, not causing it.

8. Night Sweats.  Even though I bathe at night before I go to bed, thanks to Lupron for continually allowing me to wake up in drenched in a pool of my own sweat.  You make me late to work because I have to bathe again before I can go out in public.

7. Progesterone Suppositories.  Your oozing is gross.  Wearing a panty-liner in the middle of a round of IVF is defeating the purpose.

6. Hot Flashes.  Again, thanks to Lupron, I can sweat, almost on cue.  This is not what I'd consider a real talent.

5. Trigger Shots.  You are a B!+CH.  You hurt.  You hurt going in, but that's not the end of you.  You have to hurt for days just to prove your point.

4.  Progesterone in Oil (PiO) Shots.  You hurt worse than trigger shots.  Know why?  Cause you just keep coming...day in and day out....which hip will swell & hurt for this 12-hour stint?

3. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  You were the nastiest, rudest surprise I've ever gotten.  You made me feel like I was giving birth to my ovaries.  While giving birth is the point of all this, I'd rather keep my insides on the inside, if you don't mind.

2. Retrieval.  It's been a scary experience both times.  Not only during the procedure have I felt everything that was going on, but I also have turned white and tried to pass out afterwards.

1.  BFNs.  You're just the rotten, worm-eaten cherry on top of this mess.  I spend all the money, inject myself with hormones (which I think I read somewhere come from horse urine?), go through humiliation, and put my body through hell, just to get negatives.  And notice that this is plural...most of us experience this hell more than once. 

Chunky or Baby?

So, getting that cute little baby bump was more of a mental challenge for me than others. 

I'm 5'2" on a good day with shoes on.  I'm also not the skinniest girl in the world.  I see posts on facebook and other blogs and think part of the pregnancy journey requires some of those taken-from-the-side cute little baby bump photos.  And they are cute....if you are a size 6.  However, I had a bit of that baby bump long before I had reason to...and that, my friends, is not cute!

I had Hubby take a side-picture of me at something like 9 weeks and I've not shared it with anyone.  My sister-in-law keeps begging me for a pic & has even taken some and sent of herself in order to coax me into it, but I haven't done it.

At the beginning of August, I could tell when I'd go to the store or see people I hadn't seen in a while that people were eyeballing my waistline.  It was just like to kind of sly little  downward glances that you get when a guy is eye-balling your chest.  A couple times I wanted to say, "Hey.  I'm up here!"  Believe me, I wanted the whole world to know that the extra pudge I was carrying was not due to eating too much ice cream on hot summer nights.

It wasn't until August (about 7 months into pregnancy) that people all of a sudden began saying I looked pregnant.  I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or not when I walked into work one day with a tighter maternity shirt on and a co-worker exclaimed, "WOW!  You really look pregnant TODAY!"  Whew...at least it was finally obvious! 

So, while most girls love to show off that baby bump, I didn't really look like I was pregnant for the longest time and that, my friends, does not help the psyche of a chunky girl!