Pregnancy I've Never

OK, so we're going to play a little virtual game.  Maybe you've played it before?  It's called, "I've Never."  The rules of the game are simple....I'm going to make an "I've never" statement.  Usually this game is a drinking game, although since I was pregnant when I started this post, we're just going to play on here and pretend.  It's almost like I can taste that Chocolate Martini...  Assuming we were all together enjoying drinks of choice, you have to drink if the statement doesn't apply to you.  Here's an example:

I say, "I've never checked my mailbox."  If you have ever checked your mailbox, you drink!

Ready?

• I've never gagged so hard while brushing my teeth that I puked thus having to start over on brushing my teeth.  (one drink for me!)
• I've never coughed or sneezed in public and peed my pants.  (two drinks for me!)
• I've never told a co-worker to get into my purse to get out a piece of gum and told her to overlook the spare pair of underwear I carry in there just in case I pee myself in public....again (three drinks!)
• I've never gotten up more than 5 times a night to pee.  (four drinks!)
• I've never woken up in the morning with my nightgown crusted to my chest.  (five drinks!)
• I've never had to have someone put my shoes on me because I can't bend over to tie them.  (six drinks!)
• I've never been envious of people who get more ultrasounds than me.  (seven drinks)
• I've never googled images of ultrasounds at each week of pregnancy to see what our baby looks like (eight drinks)
• I've never wondered if there was a way to cheat on a glucose test.  (nine drinks)
• I've never had a former classmate who is now an OB/GYN fill in for my Dr and check to see if I'm dilated (ten drinks!)
• I've never flashed all my friends (male & female) with the back of a hospital gown left open (eleven drinks!)
• I've never stressed about getting my blood pressure taken (twelve drinks!) 
• I've never noticed that my belly button is off center (thirteen drinks!)

And the best for last:

• I've never gotten out of the bathtub, gagged so hard while brushing my teeth that I peed down my clean leg, and had to get back in the bathtub.  (oh hell, I might as well just drink the whole bottle!)

Feel free to play along and add your own!

I Laughed Out Loud

A couple months after we found out that IVF Round #3 worked, I was out with my staff for a meeting over lunch.  My staff and I usually go off-site and talk a little about work and a lot about life during these few cherished moments away from work over lunch.  We had just gotten our lunches and sat down when my newest staff member said that she had an announcement.  She looked up and said that she was pregnant and due Nov 27th-exactly one month after I am due.

All the rest of my staff around the table were very quiet.

Know what I did?  I laughed.  Out loud.  And then I proceeded to blurt out, "How does that happen?  Can you draw me a diagram?"

She knew what I had gone through to get pregnant, and laughed too.  The whole staff did.

Now, mind you, my co-worker is in her late 20s, has a college education, and two jobs.  However, she is not married and just recently began seeing this guy (who we don't think is a great guy).  We came to find out later in the conversation that it happened the night they met-due to a little too much alcohol and too little protection.  She was actually a bit embarrassed telling us, saying that her family had given her such a hard time because she was always giving her nieces and nephews the you-HAVE-to-use-protection talk.

How's that ENTIRE story for irony?