Friday, March 18, 2011

Desperate Times Call for Drinks with the Preacher

I went home from work as soon as I could that day.  My husband still wasn't available, so I called my Mom.  At first, I tried to have a normal conversation with her.  I just hate upsetting her and if I cry, she's upset.  But, my voice was quivering and soon I was crying.  She came over and sat with me on my back patio while I tried to explain what the doctor had said.  I had looked up a few things on the internet before leaving work and understood that my ovaries produced a cyst instead of an egg each month, which contributed to difficulties in conceiving.  I also saw that Metabolic Syndrome contributed to weight gain, high blood pressure, and even heart attacks.  It was just overwhelming and I could do nothing but cry.  Would I ever be able to conceive?

My husband came home and I told him all the news.  He was as shaken as I was.  He couldn't understand why his results came back the way they did.  We both felt bad for ourselves and for each other.  We cried.  We asked questions that had no answers. We wondered if the future would ever hold a little one for us.  We were a wreck.

Later that evening,  I had texted our preacher telling her that we had not gotten good news from the doctor.  She called me, of course while I was in the middle of sobbing, and suggested that we go for a drink.  We all met for a beer while we talked about the information and processed it all together.

For the next week I was a mess.  I worried and cried all the time.  My world had been shaken.  I had always assumed I'd be a mother someday.  Every major decision we had made in life - careers, where we lived, the layout of our house, our vehicles - were all made with the assumption that we'd have little ones someday.  Would I never get the chance to feel a kick inside of me?  Would I never rock a child of my own to sleep?  What would I be if I were not a Mom someday?  My entire definition of "me" was up in the air.  That was scary and confusing.


  1. I can't imagine having to deal with MIF on top of your own fertility issues. It sounds like you have a great support system, along with a caring and sensitive hubby..which are both so important.

  2. It seems like you got so much to deal with at once - I sometimes wished they would find something wrong during all the IF tests (our final diagnosis was unexplained infertility), so I could point at something and say 'see, that's why it's not working!', but reading your story I realize I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

    The way your writing your blog posts makes it quite a story though, every time I'm wondering what the next post will bring (but of course, this is not fiction, and you have to deal with it, but just wanted to say that you have a great way of writing it all down).

  3. I feel your pain. Just hang in there. Do not give up.