These Are My Confessions

I think I've handled it all very well over the last year.  And by "all," I mean finding out about my medical problems, finding out about Hubby's medical problems, thinking there was no hope, finding out about IVF-ICSI, waiting for test results, waiting on Hubby's surgery....you get the idea.  For someone with zero patience, I've done very well.  However, I did have a few days when I did not handle it all very well.  I feel like Usher when I say, "These are my confessions...."

There was the day that I got mad: 
I was at a lunch meeting and a friend saw me getting out of my car and walked into the meeting with me.  (I do have a cute, little BMW Z3 Roadster.  It is my prized possession.  Her name is Sophie and she's beautiful.  I'd wanted one for a very long time.  I found one priced inexpensively and I've driven her every day of my life ever since.  It is my one indulgence that I treasure.)  As we walked into the meeting room, my friend said, in front of everyone, "Boy it must be nice to have that little car." Then, as he elbowed another friend standing close by, he continued, "Since I have kids, I can't have things like that."   Normally, I'd laugh and walk away.  However, that day, something rubbed me the wrong way.  I so very badly wanted to jab back, "I'd gladly give up my little car for a van full of kids any day," but I didn't.  Let the record show that I kept my mouth shut.  Points for me!

There was the day that I got sad:
Several of my friends at church have asked me questions or made comments in front of this one particular woman and she has deduced what is going on with us.  She is also expecting her 1st baby.  One time I was sitting with her and several other friends at a bridal shower.  She went on and on about how she had just went maternity clothes shopping and how they were all ugly and rather expensive and how she just couldn't fathom that she had to spend all of that money on those clothes she'd only wear a few months.  I sat there dumbfounded that this conversation was even happening in front of me.  I wanted to hide myself and cry.  This was one of the lowest points I'd had in a while.  Didn't she know how blessed she was?  I'd give anything to have to buy a maternity outfit.

Please let the record show that I'm not jealous.  I haven't been jealous of any pregnant women during this entire process.  Their situation is not, in any way, connected to mine and therefore I don't feel jealousy.  I have just found that most people don't really know what they're saying and sometimes, I haven't handled it well.  Infertility is a funny thing.  There is a definite line between wanting a child and being obsessed.  Kudos to all the women who have been able to keep on top of doctor appointments, bloodwork, ultrasounds, and multiple daily injections, and not appear to any fertile as obsessed.  More kudos to the women who do all this and still make their 9am client meetings back in their office.  Sorry I'm late.  I just had to have a doc stick a needle through my vaginal wall so he could suck out all my eggs and try to grow them in a dish later today.  Now, where were we? 

Only those of us in this loop understand that we are just trying to hold it together and this funny thing called infertility makes us seem obsessed to the outside world.  We're not.  It's just what life has thrown at us.  It's what our life has to be for the time being.  We're just trying to be normal.