I must say that 2011 has been an interesting year for Hubby and me. It was mostly taken up with IVF stuff. I'm not sure that I'm totally happy about that. I sat down the other day to write a Christmas letter to family and friends and realized that either:
1. I could not put most of our year in it because we are not sharing IVF info with them
or
2. The rest of the year was really boring and not worth writing about.
How sad is that?
So, here is what my truthful letter would've said to all our dear friends and relatives that I won't be sending out:
Dear Friends,
In January, Hubby went back to consulting for a local bank and also began Seminary. He hated the bank the 1st time he worked there, so I'm not sure why he's going back, however it pays well, so I'm not complaining till he turns into a jerk that is unbearable to live with again. We had to have several nurses travel to our home to draw blood to see if Hubby's genes and chromosomes were OK. I do have to admit, I did sorta look at him funny for those couple of weeks when we were waiting on the test results. Later, we got the go-ahead to pursue IVF-ICSI because Hubby's CAVD diagnosis was chalked up to "just a fluke."
Isn't that nice? Thousands of dollars spent finding out that Hubby missing a couple little tubes in his body was just some oversight from the man upstairs?!
In March, Hubby has his MESA surgery and I sent out the infamous, "WE HAVE SPERM" texts to our friends. Yes, I did that. And I'd do it again. These small little things found in Hubby's nether-regions were the biggest highlight of my year, thank you very much. We have 9 tubes of it frozen. He healed like a champ without too much complaining. I must admit that washing around the stitches on his testicles were NOT the highlight of my year... This month, our old house also got robbed again. This time, since there were no more of our personal items to steal, they began stealing the actual house. Doors, mantels, and other woodworking have now been stripped from the house. I asked our insurance agent if I burnt it down and didn't turn it in for insurance if I would still go to jail for insurance fraud. She said no, but that I'd still go to jail for arson. Something to ponder...
In April & May, we went through our first IVF-ICSI attempt. I was giddy with hope and excitement. I was elated to receive the calendar that laid out all of the pills and shots that I was going to have to take. Happiness was soon turned to confusion and disgust at the amount of money and stress that a round of IVF takes. I tested young and healthy internally. I responded well to the stimulants. They got 10 eggs from me and I looked forward to the Embryologist's call each day updating me on how many were growing. We transferred 2 Grade 1 Blastocycts on Day 5. We also froze 1 for future use. I pondered every single cramp and pinch for the next 2 weeks. We received our BFN in June. I cried at work and at home. I made a fool of myself several times in public. The Doc had no answer as to why it didn't work. It just didn't. I had thought that maybe we were owed something happy at this point. Apparently this wasn't it.
Soon after, in June, Hubby and I went to a state-wide church conference at a little resort up north. It was nice to get away, sit at the lake, eat ice cream, and not be surrounded by sadness. It was just what I needed. I spent the summer busy at work with the Youth Program that I run. My boss "resigned" in July and the leadership at work has been less that great since then. I've come home mad, crying, or yelling on any given evening. The Board President is an older woman who has nothing better to do with her time and she has stepped in to do his day-to-day duties until a replacement can be found. She is sometimes nice, but has no clue what she's doing. She walks all over me, treats the staff pretty poorly, and handles criticism like a 2-year-old. She just has no business being a leader of an organization.
In September, I didn't have a good feeling about IVF-ICSI Round #2 and my gut was right. I had read so many other blogs that stated their round 2 didn't work, but their Round #3 did. I felt like I just needed to get through this round. Retrieval was very painful this time. Healing took longer because I developed Ovarian Hyper Stimulation. We transferred 2 Grade 1 Blasts in September on Day 5 and froze another 2. In October, my period came a few days early and that's how I knew we had a BFN this 2nd round, too. In a nutshell, Round #2 was God-awful. I'm glad that b!+ch is over with. At work, the Board decided to advertise for a new Executive Director. They'd take apps through 2011 and begin the interview process in early 2012. I knew I had lots of vacation in December and I'd dust off my resume when I had some real time to work on it.
In October, Hubby was deemed a "Locally Licensed Pastor" and so now he is Rev. Hubby. I think that's funny.
In November, I prayed that I needed some clarity about whether it was time to leave my job or hang on for the Exec Dir position. That same day, at a Board Meeting, I was excused while they went into Executive Session. When I came back, they had voted unanimously to approve what was talked about in the Executive Session. Later in the meeting, they decided to tell me that they had approved the older woman who was the Board President and was filling in as the Executive Director as the Interim Director for "at least a year." I went home very upset from this meeting and then realized, "Hey dumbass, you asked for clarity." At that point, God didn't gently nudge me about my future. He hit me in the face with a brick. I guess I'm leaving. I just have to figure out what my next steps are. Hubby's convinced that I should get my Ph.D. in Child Clinical Psych. My undergrad is in child psych. I love working with children on IEPs and learning plans. I've diagnosed several of our friends' and family members' kids before the Doc did. I've helped families help their children with things ranging from OCD, Asperger's, Autism, and PDD. I love the stuff. I'm getting excited just writing about it. I suppose Rev. Hubby is right. I just have to figure out when, where and how we'll pay for it.
We also had our WTF appointment with my Doc in Nov. and he has no answers as to why IVF didn't work the 2nd time. Blasts form and fail to implant all the time in the real world and people don't even know it. We just happened to know that they were there. Is this where the saying, "Ignorance is bliss" applies? We agreed that the next step is to try a Frozen Cycle with our Babies on Ice. And no, that's not an ice skating show. Although I could arrange it if it would help pay for our next round....
In December, I had pretty much given up trying to play nice with our new Interim Director at work. If she wants to be in charge, she's going to have to act like it. I went at her with several complaints and at one point, I called Hubby saying that if I'd talked to any other person who was my boss that way, I'd probably be fired. I know that's bad, but my give-a-damn is broken. Late in December, I began birth control pills for this Round #3 of IVF and visited an acupuncturist. I'm still not convinced acupuncture works, but am willing to do anything to help the odds this time around. I received my calendar for IVF #3, FET #1, as well. My behind already hurts from looking at the schedule of IM shots that is required this time. I am cautiously optimistic at this point, probably naively so.
As for 2012, friends, I pray that my butt and to-do list grow smaller, that my family and wallet grow bigger, and that much happiness finds us all.
Love,
The Childless Mom
