First, I must apologize. I haven't written in a while. I needed some time to deal with my emotions. Also, I must apologize because of my recent saddening posts. I guess that's part of this process, though, right? And I started this blog as therapy for myself and also to help someone else out there going through this process who is as clueless as I was. I didn't want to be a big downer and make everyone feel awful or sorry for me - there are a couple sad posts coming. But I didn't think I'd be true to myself if I left out some of the hurt from a BFN. And that's where I am right now. So bear with me.
Now, on with the post:
"You have good news to share, right?" These words have come to haunt me during the last month. I think I'd be OK with them if I knew they were coming. But no, it can't be that easy. Those words have to smack me in the face, leave a sting in my eyes, and embarrass the crap outta me.
I first heard them at a big church conference just three days after we got the phone call telling us that my blood test was negative. We saw our former preacher, who keeps up with us through some mutual friends. He walked up to us, gave me a big hug, and said, "So I hear you have some good news to share?" I couldn't even answer him. All I could do is shake my head and try not to do the "ugly" cry. You know the one - where your lips are curled and your face shows just how bad you're hurting. It hit me hard because I wasn't expecting it. I didn't even know that he knew we were attempting IVF-ICSI. It seems that if I'm not prepared for the "smack," it hurts badly. He fell all over himself apologizing and I told him it was OK - that it was still just very new news - that I would be all right - and that I was happy that he cared enough to ask.
The next time I heard those words was on the phone about a week later. A friend called me at work to talk to me about several charity auctions with which we were helping. As soon as she identified herself, I knew the question was coming....and sure enough....it did. But I had the feeling that it was coming, so I was ready. I could tell there was sadness in my voice when I told her that it didn't work, but I didn't bawl all over the place. She gave me some sympathy and words of encouragement to not give up. I handled this one better because I was prepared.
I wish I had better news to share with everyone. And, since I don't, I wish I was better prepared to tell people that IVF-ICSI attempt #1 didn't work. Wasn't one of my first posts titled, "No is the hardest answer"??? Boy if that's not irony.