Monday, June 27, 2011

Good News, Right?

First, I must apologize.  I haven't written in a while.  I needed some time to deal with my emotions.  Also, I must apologize because of my recent saddening posts.  I guess that's part of this process, though, right?  And I started this blog as therapy for myself and also to help someone else out there going through this process who is as clueless as I was.  I didn't want to be a big downer and make everyone feel awful or sorry for me - there are a couple sad posts coming.  But I didn't think I'd be true to myself if I left out some of the hurt from a BFN.  And that's where I am right now.  So bear with me.

Now, on with the post:

"You have good news to share, right?"  These words have come to haunt me during the last month.  I think I'd be OK with them if I knew they were coming.  But no, it can't be that easy.  Those words have to smack me in the face, leave a sting in my eyes, and embarrass the crap outta me.

I first heard them at a big church conference just three days after we got the phone call telling us that my blood test was negative.  We saw our former preacher, who keeps up with us through some mutual friends.  He walked up to us, gave me a big hug, and said, "So I hear you have some good news to share?"  I couldn't even answer him.  All I could do is shake my head and try not to do the "ugly" cry.  You know the one - where your lips are curled and your face shows just how bad you're hurting.  It hit me hard because I wasn't expecting it.  I didn't even know that he knew we were attempting IVF-ICSI.  It seems that if I'm not prepared for the "smack," it hurts badly.  He fell all over himself apologizing and I told him it was OK - that it was still just very new news - that I would be all right - and that I was happy that he cared enough to ask.

The next time I heard those words was on the phone about a week later.  A friend called me at work to talk to me about several charity auctions with which we were helping.  As soon as she identified herself, I knew the question was coming....and sure did.  But I had the feeling that it was coming, so I was ready.  I could tell there was sadness in my voice when I told her that it didn't work, but I didn't bawl all over the place.  She gave me some sympathy and words of encouragement to not give up.  I handled this one better because I was prepared.

I wish I had better news to share with everyone.  And, since I don't, I wish I was better prepared to tell people that IVF-ICSI attempt #1 didn't work.  Wasn't one of my first posts titled, "No is the hardest answer"???  Boy if that's not irony.


  1. Oh, the ugly cry.. yep I know it. I dont think I have ever cried prettily ever! I believe I shrink about 10cm every time I hear someone start a sentence like this 'so when are you having your next one...'

    People shouldn't ask you. They should wait to be told. People should respect your privacy in such an emotional life journey such as ttc with infertility.

    Good news/Bad news, I will always read your blog posts and support you..

  2. Glad to see you are back! I've been wondering how you are. Hugs.

  3. I"m so sorry girl. I think people's questions can be rude. Even though our cycle worked I was astounded at the gall of some people when they came up to me in front of many people and said, "So are you pregnant?". It literally took my breath away. Our society is nosy and has no sense of privacy. Even when someone is asking because they care about us it is still pressure.

  4. You are so brave to have told people you were tring IVF ICSI. Someone once told me that an unsucessful IVF is not a total failure because it gives you and your doctor that much more information to go on for the next try. Blessings to you - hang in there.

  5. It's hard for sure. It's nice to have a support system where people know what's going on...but then this is the flip side I guess.

    Gregg (my husband) doesn't like telling people what's going on because he doesn't want the added pressure, but I find the extra support and prayers outweigh the heavy hearted 'no' that I have to tell people afterwards.

    I think they all mean well. Hey, maybe we should get t-shirts made that just say "it didn't work" then it will do all the talking for us :)

    hang in there xo

  6. You are very brave and I can't imagine the difficult time you are going through right now. (((Hugs))) I wish you all the best and I know those people mean well that are asking, they just don't know how to go about it. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  7. I have cried the ugly cry many times after a BFN. I know that feeling.
    I have hope that some day you WILL have good news to share and the ugly cry will be nowhere in sight.