Monday, June 13, 2011

What Not to Say

Many friends have asked about the results of our recent attempt at IVF-ICSI.  I've had friends hug me, express how sorry they are, cry with me, and search for words to help me feel better.  While I know they are trying to help and there are no words that can help, I wish they'd just remain silent sometimes.  The following are things that you should not say to anyone in a grieving situation:

"We just don't understand God's plan."  As I've said to friends, this infertility crap, as well as failed IVF are not things that come from a loving God.  God would not plan for 9 little embryos to die.  God would not plot for such sadness and grief in our lives.  I refuse to believe in that kind of cruelty, especially from God.  If a human planned to end 9 lives, we'd call him a murderer.  My God is not a murderer.  I can get mad.  I can ask God why.  But I am not blaming God for things that are not his doing.

"Everything happens for a reason."  There is no reason for all this to happen.  If there were a reason behind it, that means there is some plan behind it.  See above for my thoughts on that.

"Let's pray together."  I just can't right now.  I bowed my head the other night and had nothing to say.  While the time will come, I just don't have it in me right now.  You can pray for me.

"When will you try again?"  I just need to be sad for a minute.  I'm not at the next-step phase yet.  I'm still grappling with the medical bills, physical exhaustion, frustration, and sadness.  (And did I mention one of the worse periods that I've ever had?!)  I don't know next steps yet.  When I do and I want to share, I'll let you know.  Until then, please don't push ahead without letting me get over what just happened.

I do appreciate all the love, comments, and text messages that I get letting me know that I'm not alone and when I'm ready, I'll emerge a stronger person.


  1. It just sucks. What else can you say. :(

    Been thinking about you. Hugs.

  2. I'm so sorry.

    I often think that even people who have experienced loss, and people who have been in the exact same situation still don't know what to say. I guess because everyone grieves in different ways and looks at things differently. I remember being told I was 'still young' after an ectopic by people who I knew had had losses, and wondering why they thought it was the right thing to say.

  3. People just don't get it. I think that has been the biggest lesson that IF has taught me. And its often those who thing they are helping who say the most (unintentionally) hurtful things.

    Thinking about you and sending you lots of hugs.

  4. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm sure those people are well meaning, but it just hurts and sucks regardless. (((Hugs)))

  5. I'm sorry. Sending hugs and love your way!

  6. Thinking of you and wishing you loads of healing and love.