I've had a mix of emotions running through me since getting the BFN last week. I'm going to attempt to summarize some of them.
I feel sad. I had hope that we had found out all the problems and had taken steps towards the solution, finally. I felt good prior to the BFN. I followed every direction to a tee and tried to make sure that it was successful.
I feel cheated. February 8, 2012 would've been my due date.
I feel confused. After all this bad has happened, aren't we due for something good? Did I do something wrong? I feel like I'm back at last August wondering what I've done to make God angry with me or why I wouldn't be a good parent?
I feel mournful for the loss of little lives - 8 to be exact. I feel very strongly that life begins at conception. We had 8 little lives - little beings made up of Hubby and me - not make it. We have 1 frozen and I've read that it may not make it through the thaw.
I feel mad. I bowed my head to pray at dinner the night after my BFN and I found that I had nothing to say to God. The other singers in our praise band at church were all on vacation this week. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to sing Sunday morning.
I feel irritated. A girl at my Youth Center told me that her sister is pregnant with her 3rd by a 3rd man. Did I mention she's 19?
I feel embarassed. My Mom helped us pay for IVF. I feel like I've wasted her money. I feel that same feeling as when my father passed away and we got the medical bills from him being in the hospital several days after his funeral. What good was it then? What good did it do for us now? It just feels like a giant waste of time, procedures, and money. And we have nothing to show for it all except all these used needles and track marks on my stomach, hip, and arms.