Thursday, June 9, 2011

My Reactions

I've had a mix of emotions running through me since getting the BFN last week. I'm going to attempt to summarize some of them.

I feel sad.  I had hope that we had found out all the problems and had taken steps towards the solution, finally.  I felt good prior to the BFN.  I followed every direction to a tee and tried to make sure that it was successful. 

I feel cheated.  February 8, 2012 would've been my due date.

I feel confused.  After all this bad has happened, aren't we due for something good?  Did I do something wrong?  I feel like I'm back at last August wondering what I've done to make God angry with me or why I wouldn't be a good parent?

I feel mournful for the loss of little lives - 8 to be exact.  I feel very strongly that life begins at conception.  We had 8 little lives - little beings made up of Hubby and me - not make it.  We have 1 frozen and I've read that it may not make it through the thaw.

I feel mad.  I bowed my head to pray at dinner the night after my BFN and I found that I had nothing to say to God. The other singers in our praise band at church were all on vacation this week.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to sing Sunday morning. 

I feel irritated.  A girl at my Youth Center told me that her sister is pregnant with her 3rd by a 3rd man.  Did I mention she's 19?

I feel embarassed.  My Mom helped us pay for IVF.  I feel like I've wasted her money.  I feel that same feeling as when my father passed away and we got the medical bills from him being in the hospital several days after his funeral.  What good was it then?  What good did it do for us now?  It just feels like a giant waste of time, procedures, and money.  And we have nothing to show for it all except all these used needles and track marks on my stomach, hip, and arms.


  1. Im so sorry. This is such a raw post. I guess there are no guarantees in life. Its funny how you mentioned 8 little lives lost. The book I am reading right now, three embryos are referred to as 'pre-born children'. Its always a world of 'what could have been' in IF.

    Im just so sorry... xo

  2. I'm so sorry. I can imagine all those feelings. I've had them before and I dread having them again.
    I wish you the best in your journey and hope that you can begin to heal from your loss.


  3. Another blogger recently said that getting a BFN after IVF felt a bit like having a miscarriage - and although I have never experienced a miscarriage, I know exactly what she means, and from what I read in your post you feel like that too. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  4. (((Hugs))) I am so incredibly sorry Joey, this just isn't fair.

  5. I'm so sorry! Sending positive thoughts your way!

  6. Your reactions could have been my own after our last failed IVF. It's totally normal to be sad, mad, all of those things.